Im in ur paperz, forecastin ur weatherz

Welcome, freshman rubes: I am the Weather Guy (in West Virginia, legally known as the Robert C. Byrd Memorial Weather Guy), and I possess the skillz to pay this campus' weather billz. This week, I'm forecasting generally cool and dry weather with highs in the 70s, but through the year I'll be on the lookout for rain, heat, blizzards and the rare but costly hurricanado, a dastardly hybrid of hurricane, tornado and female wolverine in heat.

My other key role, Future Weather Pals, is to look out for you. Face it, your situation is akin to Kevin Arnold on his first day at McKinley Senior High, with the Super Coop in school crosstown. Based on personal experience, you spent your summer in one of two ways. Many of you turned down promising careers in CutCo knife sales to attend Princeton, a decision I support. While CutCo's Ultimate Cheese Grater is guaranteed sharp for a lifetime, your Princeton degree grants you access to an exclusive members-only section of the afterlife. Besides, if you're going to participate in a pyramid scheme, why not order a case of Tahitian Noni Juice from yours truly? It's got the meganutrients, ultravitamins and hyperminerals you need to annihilate every free radical in a seven-mile radius.

Alternatively, you watched massive amounts of The N and/or Degrassi. At most schools, two shootings, a stabbing, three teen pregnancies, an abortion and a fetus stabbing another fetus would result in a Congressional inquiry. At Degrassi, this is known as "Tuesday." Fetus-on-fetus violence must end, people.

I've got bad news for you, Tiger N00bs. Appalachian State is angling to upset Princeton in next year's U.S. News ranking by rejecting 97 percent of applicants and hiring hundreds of itinerant Asheville buskers as "adjunct music professors," and we can't have you holding us back. In fact, you've probably made several critical mistakes already, including signing up for 1,000 student groups at the activities fair.

Clearly, this cannot continue. So, here are some tips: Don't travel in packs of 20, it increases your infrared signature and susceptibility to Predator attack. And if you find yourself wearing multiple pastel Polos, acting the fool, ask yourself: Would I have found such behavior appalling a month ago/a week ago/yesterday? These simple steps will keep us safely at number one.

In conclusion, fall is a beautiful time on this grassy knoll. Your favorite NFL team could still theoretically win the Super Bowl (except for the Dolphins, mathematically eliminated from playoff contention). You're only seven miles from a Bob Evans. And I'm here for you. But not really.

Until next time, this is the Weather Guy saying help control the frat population, have your prep spayed or neutered. Mahalo.