Dear Incoming Freshman,
Congratulations on your acceptance to Princeton University, six-time running winner of the prestigious number-one ranking in the "Weekly World News" list of colleges most likely to be attended by Bat Boy, if he were not in Afghanistan hunting for Bin Laden! I am the Weather Guy, the bun-warming lid on the George Foreman Grill that is this bumpin' campus. In the coming months and years, you'll discover the amenities that make this place a tenuous mix of resort spa and minimum security prison, but rather than spoil that charming little surprise, I'll be using the next 400 words or so to fill you in on some key Princeton info. For instance, did you know Dean Malkiel did all her own stunts in "2 Fast 2 Furious"? You do now.
But first, allow me to introduce myself. This one time in second grade, I was on a JCC basketball team with Mandy Moore's little brother, Kyle, and time was running out in the third quarter. He wouldn't stop dribbling around in a circle, so I stole the ball from him and scored, true story. So when I throw down a forecast for another depressing, cold weekend with highs hardly cracking 50 and rain Saturday and Sunday, please, have a little respect for my educational background. I did go to elementary school with Mandy Moore.
Let's begin your education with a little history, oh naive pre-frosh. Founded to teach arbitrage and basic hygiene to the local yeomanry, since 1746 Princeton has been placing graduates in fields as diverse as investment banking and investment services; occasional mavericks really break the mold and investment consult. With notable alumni including Meg Whitman '79 (inventor of the Bedazzler), Billy Blanks, four out of the seven members of the Burger King Kids Club, and the Honey Nut Cheerios Honeybee, it's no surprise that Princeton graduates are believed to directly or indirectly control 87 percent of the global economy, with the exception of philosophy majors, who can be found at key New Jersey Turnpike on-ramps holding cardboard signs reading, "will critique pure reason for food." This is because they spend most of their time in college pondering questions like whether or not God could make a Thin Mint so thin not even he could sell it door-to-door, young one.
Of course, if you get bored counting untold future millions, why not check out one of Princeton's historic eating clubs, believed to deliver more spilled beer to shoes per square foot than any other buildings in the Northeast? And for those of you looking for more choices, good news: Not only is Campus Club reopening to satiate our need for 24-hour Q-Bert access, but the club is being renamed AAAACampusClub 123 to capture a greater percentage of those picking the first listing first under "Club, Eating" in the phone book. It's can't miss.
And so, prospective member of the Class of 2011, while you have your pick of America's many excellent online universities, only if you choose Princeton will you receive Lou Bega's unlisted home phone number, as well as 20 free Weather Guy Fun Bucks (the official currency of fun). Please, unlike that Nazi at the end of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade," choose wisely.
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