This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
USG to pass squirrelburning amendment
The Undergraduate Student Government is poised to adopt an amendment that would decriminalize squirrel-burning.
"We really don't have many good ways to release our rage," USG president Rob Biederman '08 said. "It's time we become less reppressed."
Animal rights activists have criticized the move.
"Burning a dead squirrel is morally more reprehensible than burning a retard human being," professor Peter Singer explained. "At least the retard can fight back."
The squirrels themselves have promised to fight back.
"We will bury Biederman," said one bright-eyed and bushy-tailed rodent, who asked not to be identified. "He will pay for this act of intolerant aggression."
Malkiel unveils salary deflation strategy
Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel unveiled a sweeping plan to combat what she termed "salary inflation," whereby she would impose a retroactive contract on seniors banning them from taking jobs that offered more than $50,000 in pay.
"Make no mistake: We've conquered grade inflation and now we're going to conquer salary inflation," Malkiel said at yesterday's faculty meeting. "This is the end of consulting and investment banking at Princeton."
Overnight, riots erupted outside the E-Quad, with disgruntled ORFE majors chanting "Death to Malkiel."
"What the hell am I supposed to do?" Jack McSoldsoul '07 wailed. "I played the stupid Orange Bowl. I gave up my love for Slavic languages to do this crap! I want my millions, dammit!"
Similar complaints were heard from Wilson School students.
"What is the point of me being Woody Woo if not to leverage my core competencies, identify synergies and add value for clients," moaned Bobby O'Toole '07. "Now what am I supposed to do? Go work in government?"
University shakes off ED, expects stiff applicant pool
Dean of Admission Janet Rapelye expects the number of applications to rise next year.
"We've been rising for some time, but next year will be a climax," Rapelye said. "This will be a very satisfying spurt, if my prediction is correct."
Michael Richards to emcee BSU event
Former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards is booked to emcee the Black Student Union's comedy club night.
"We booked him when everyone just knew him as Kramer," said BSU president Shaquille Omar '08. "It's a little awkward now that he's made those comments," referring to Richards' infamous "rage" at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood, Cal. in Nov. 2006.
The CJL, meanwhile, has decided to cancel its upcoming event, "An evening with Mel Gibson."
Pentagon hires CNDA to deliver Iraq supplies
Lt. Gen. David Petraeus GS '87, who was recently named commander of American forces in Iraq, has contracted with the Campus Newspaper Delivery Agency to bring supplies to U.S. forces in that country.
"CNDA's consistent excellence really inspired us," Petraeus said.
The first package, scheduled to arrive yesterday, has not yet been delivered, Petraeus said. A large pile of body armor was found behind Murray-Dodge Hall early this morning, but CNDA president Tom Carter '09 said deliveries were on schedule.
"From me to you," Carter said in an oversized purple font. He declined to elaborate.
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Joseph ’25 next Young Alumni Trustee in 21 percent turnout election
Vitus LarrieuGil Joseph ’25 won the Young Alumni Trustee election, which saw 21 percent turnout. Joseph, Stephen Padlo ’25 and Ben Wachspress ’25 competed in the final round of elections after advancing from a notably large primary in April.
Gil Joseph ’25 won the Young Alumni Trustee election, which saw 21 percent turnout. Joseph, Stephen Padlo ’25 and Ben Wachspress ’25 competed in the final round of elections after advancing from a notably large primary in April.
‘A brilliant young contemporary writer and a beautiful human being’: Remembering Lauren Blackburn ’26
Victoria Davies and Caitlyn TabladaBlackburn was found deceased by authorities on April 25, several days after he was reported missing. He was 23 years old at the time of his death and is remembered by friends and mentors as a brilliant writer, voracious learner, and loving friend. A family obituary said he passed away after a “courageous battle with bipolar disorder.”
Blackburn was found deceased by authorities on April 25, several days after he was reported missing. He was 23 years old at the time of his death and is remembered by friends and mentors as a brilliant writer, voracious learner, and loving friend. A family obituary said he passed away after a “courageous battle with bipolar disorder.”
GSG approves audit, delays budget approval after ‘insufferable’ meeting
Nikki HanThe final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.
The final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.