This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
The campus was shocked to learn yesterday that politics professor Robert George, an outspoken conservative and critic of same-sex marriage, will resign his post following allegations that he purchased methamphetamines and sexual favors from a male prostitute.
"Forgive me, Shirley, for I have sinned," George said in a letter to President Tilghman, a copy of which was made available to The Daily Princetonian. "By my actions, I have brought shame upon my family and this great university."
In an interview with the 'Prince,' George admitted to receiving a massage and buying methamphetamines from the prostitute, who went by the name of Tyrone Honeybee, but categorically denied that he had engaged in sexual intercourse.
"There have been some salacious rumors circling around so let me be absolutely clear about this," George said. "Yes, I received a massage from a gay prostitute in a Route 1 hotel room. And yes, I purchased a quantity of meth from said prostitute. But that's it. Nothing gay."
The scandal erupted Tuesday morning when The Trenton Times published a story quoting a male prostitute who claimed to have had a sexual relationship with the noted constitutional scholar. The man, whose actual name is Fred Phelps, said that George had approached him last November about a possible encounter while the two were in a bathroom at the Grover Cleveland rest stop on the New Jersey turnpike.
Phelps said that George appeared nervous as the two made plans to meet on November 20. "He kept fidgeting with a set of rosary beads," Phelps told the paper.
After the encounter, Phelps said he came across an article in a local newspaper that included a picture of George. "I couldn't believe the man who had explored my body so thoroughly could feel the way he did about gay people. I had to come forward."
As for the professor's claim that all he received was a massage, Phelps said, "Well, I guess you could call it a massage. He was quite happy with how it ended."
George said that Phelps is lying about their rendezvous. "My purpose in meeting Tyrone Honeybee — Mr. Phelps — at the hotel was twofold. First, it was just after the midterm elections and I thought a massage sounded nice. Secondly, I was hoping that I could perhaps heal him of his wickedness. The Red Roof Inn is where I do all of my gay curing."
When the two arrived to the hotel, George said he quickly realized that Phelps had gotten the wrong impression.
"As soon as we got there he began to fondle my genitals quite vigorously," George explained. "I said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but this isn't what I had in mind.' And then I got up to leave. I mean, that sounds plausible, right?"
Campus leaders expressed shock and disappointment at the news of George's retirement.
"I am stunned," Tory editor-in-chief Sterling Sahner '07 said. "It's hard to believe that the man who constantly invited me over for dinner and helped with homework and massaged my calves when I was sore is actually gay."
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