This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
Butler College, Jan. 8, 1:02 a.m.
A University student called to report his roommate masturbating to picture of himself. Unit dispatched.. Suspect identified as sophomore actor and film director. Refused to let officer call him by first name, except in his room. Officer issued warning for narcissism. Report filed; case referred.
West College, Dec. 26, 7:57 a.m.
Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel, hysterically crying, reported her dog, Skipper, is dead. Unit dispatched. Responding officer identified probable cause of death as suicide. Dog had attempted to hang herself after one too many long walks on Alexander Beach. Suicide was botched and dog was found decapitated below rope, cell phone video later revealed; case referred to YouTube.
Theatre Intime, Jan. 10, 12:01 a.m.
PUPD officer on patrol notices bag containing marijuana-like substance. Unit dispatched. General manager of theater arrested on suspicion of possession. Suspect insisted it was actually oregano from 2 Dickinson coop. PUPD officer drove suspicious bag to Terrace F. Club. Terrace officers confirmed it is not marijuana. PUPD recognized superior authority of TFC on this matter and released suspect. Report filed; case referred.
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Joseph ’25 next Young Alumni Trustee in 21 percent turnout election
Vitus LarrieuGil Joseph ’25 won the Young Alumni Trustee election, which saw 21 percent turnout. Joseph, Stephen Padlo ’25 and Ben Wachspress ’25 competed in the final round of elections after advancing from a notably large primary in April.
Gil Joseph ’25 won the Young Alumni Trustee election, which saw 21 percent turnout. Joseph, Stephen Padlo ’25 and Ben Wachspress ’25 competed in the final round of elections after advancing from a notably large primary in April.
‘A brilliant young contemporary writer and a beautiful human being’: Remembering Lauren Blackburn ’26
Victoria Davies and Caitlyn TabladaBlackburn was found deceased by authorities on April 25, several days after he was reported missing. He was 23 years old at the time of his death and is remembered by friends and mentors as a brilliant writer, voracious learner, and loving friend. A family obituary said he passed away after a “courageous battle with bipolar disorder.”
Blackburn was found deceased by authorities on April 25, several days after he was reported missing. He was 23 years old at the time of his death and is remembered by friends and mentors as a brilliant writer, voracious learner, and loving friend. A family obituary said he passed away after a “courageous battle with bipolar disorder.”
GSG approves audit, delays budget approval after ‘insufferable’ meeting
Nikki HanThe final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.
The final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.