Dear Sexpert,
Can you lose your virginity with a tampon or a sex toy?
— Protective of Hymen
Dear Protective,
Yes and no. Virginity in women, as you may know, is usually associated with the possession of an intact hymen, a flap of skin at the outside opening to the vagina. When a woman with a hymen first has vaginal intercourse, this piece of skin tears and may bleed a little.
As you noted, however, penises are not the only things that women put in their vaginas, and it is possible to tear your hymen on something else, like a tampon, finger or sex toy. You could also tear it on no object at all — many women and girls accidentally break their hymens while, for example, exercising or riding bikes or horses.
Before you take your dildo back to the store or revert to maxi pads, however, consider the mechanics of breaking a hymen. Every woman has a differently shaped hymen, and some are even born without one. If you have a hymen that just rings the opening of the vagina (an anular hymen), it is likely that you can put in tampons without breaking it. However, if you are one of the very few women who have a cribriform hymen, which is like a net of skin covering the vaginal opening, pretty much anything inserted into the vagina will tear it. Other types of hymens also exist, so you can be pretty sure that, just like your vagina, your hymen is very personalized. Whatever your hymen looks like, most if not all hymens will tear when confronted with a penis-sized or larger object.
If you would like to figure out what kind of hymen you have, have a little show-and-tell. Take a mirror and look at your vulva, paying attention to the opening of the vagina — your hymen is just inside that opening.
Now here comes the virginity dilemma: Do you need an intact hymen to be a virgin? If you break your hymen without having sexual intercourse, then you may have lost your hymen, but have you lost your virginity? The answer to that question is totally and completely up to you. If maintaining an intact hymen is high on your virginity checklist, then go for it. If not, then you're free to put things into your vagina with wild abandon. Wild, safe abandon, obviously. We wouldn't want to hear any strange tales later...
— The Sexpert
Dear Sexpert,
I haven't dated anyone in a while, mostly because I just don't feel attracted to anyone (of either gender!). A friend made a joke the other day that I might be asexual. What is that exactly? If I am asexual does that mean I'm a freak?
— Lacking in Lust
Dear Lacking,
Recent studies estimate that one percent of people in the United States are asexual. That means that in a university the size of Princeton, 50 or so undergraduates may be asexual. Clearly, asexuality is not something weird!
Asexuals are people who aren't sexually attracted to others, though they may be physically or emotionally attracted to them. Asexuals differ widely: some are happy on their own, while others date and have fulfilling, intimate relationships, often with people who do not identify as asexual. If an asexual person dates someone who is sexual, a compromise must be reached about the amount of sexual activity to engage in, if any.
Many (though not all) asexuals experience arousal, and some even enjoy sexual activities such as kissing and cuddling. Usually, however, asexuals do not feel a desire for sexual partnership, and prefer to find contentment in other types of pleasure.
Whether or not you're asexual is something that only you can determine. Maybe you just haven't met the right person — who knows what will happen in the future? If you do decide to identify as asexual, however, you should know that it is perfectly normal.
— The Sexpert
"Sexpert" is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions, to be published anonymously every Thursday, to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don't be shy!
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