Beloved Free and Righteous Peoples of the World:
Last week, in this space in The Daily Princetonian, the devil walked among us. In the guise of the "O'Ryan Factor," your gigantic lying mouth Weather Guy fed the capitalist lies of a 1,000 centuries of death to literally tens of American pigdogs. These sulfurous lies were consumed like Beggin' Strips, which the odious curs of Princeton Univeristy are presumably too stupid to know is not actual bacon.
Comrades, The Mister El Presidente Bush and his running dog Weather Guy speak from atop a mountain of lies. So totally corrupt is America that even though Shakira claims her hips do not lie, in truth, her wicked pelvis speaks only of the brutal repression of the global underclass. Today, I come before you with a book that exposes this web of deceit: The Weather Guy Suxxx (and So Does America) by Noam Chomsky. American jingoists, do you know your government is complicit in acts of terror and violence of which you remain willfully ignorant? What history book is there to tell the story of Mayor McCheese, the democratically elected leader of McDonaldland, deposed in 1974 by a secret CIA program which illegally funneled arms and cash to a cabal of fascoracist Fry Kids?
Your academic institutions spread one-corner word lies to dumb ignorant students who know not of history, nor Nature's Harmonic Simultaneous Four-Day Timecube.
For example, your lacrosse players carry their sticks to class for some reason. Do they think someone will unexpectedly hurl a pelota at them? Perhaps they should be more concerned that their sybaritic lifestyles will one day be smashed by the righteous fist of global socialism.
In your depravity, you wish death upon the captain of justice, Fidel Castro. I tell you today he is full of spiteful vigor, staving off bed sores like a grand champion of the Cuban People. I tell you today he is fuerte! Fuertisimo! Mucho Mas Fuertisimo! El Gran Don Mas Excelente Fuertisimo sobre todos los yanquis para siempre!
Most heinous of all, you have inflicted the scourge of "Cathy" on the comics pages of the world, dulling the revolutionary ardor of the downtrodden with repetitive and unfunny pabulum.
But today, a new consensus is stirring, against the hegemony of the Weather Guy, El Bush and Shakira. Today, the lepers of history — Venezuela, Cuba, the government in exile of Grenada — enact a historic alliance with COBRA!, under the aegis of Destro and the mysterious Cobra Commander, against the American colonialist war machine. From COBRA Island, we plot your doom, waiting for the day with echoing cries of "Cobra!!" we conquer your shores. And on that day, you will truly learn that four-cornered cubic knowing is twice the battle.
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