V for venn diagram

It is said in spring, the thoughts of young men turn to love; however, my shambolic ruminations have turned to something else of late: namely, military conquest of Greenland. Hear me out, folks. This operation, which for security purposes will hereby be referred to as Operation San Jose Int'l Airport Gate 53, seems daft at first but, quoth Bill Nye, please consider the following. One, Greenland isn't even a country under the cruel tutelage of Danish tyranny. Two, only 33,000 people live there, many of whom have never considered the possibility of attack from rogue Ivy League academics. Most importantly, Greenland has abundant and largely untapped reserves of energy and mineral wealth, including tungsten, king of all elements. When your lame friends ask what you did over spring break, wouldn't you like to respond, "Oh, not much, cornered the world market for tungsten"?

What's that? You say Greenland is blanketed by ice caps? Obviously, you're unacquainted with Halliburton's Glacial Guarantee: if they can't melt your ice sheet in 24 hours, it's free. Plus, according to this Mercator projection, Greenland is the size of Africa. Sweet!

With just 1,000 stout, chlamydia-free men, we can overwhelm the poorly fortified Danish redoubts like Stonewall Jackson crushing the Union right flank at Chancellorsville. As far as reprisals, give me a break; the nearest sovereign nation is Iceland, and they've eschewed a traditional military in favor of a Bjork-based defense system. Knowing the EU's track record, all we can expect from them is a couple of strongly-worded resolutions, and at worst, chronic prank phone calls from the Netherlands. Old Europe, that wolfram, is ours.

Actually, Greenland plays a key role in our recent cold weather, in the form of one of meteorology's top shibboleths, the "Greenland Block." This high pressure system causes a pattern that keeps cold air locked into the East, and since it has returned, so have highs in the 40s. While data hints at another 5-6 days of cold, hopefully you know getting out of Jersey when the opportunity presents itself is more crucial than a steady intake of riboflavin and will be long gone.

Well, my goal was to use shibboleths, tungsten/wolfram, and riboflavin in today's column, so my work here is done. I'd also like to congratulate myself for involving Denmark without referencing blasphemous images of the prophet Mohammed...ah, crap. Effigists, I wear size 32 pants, with a 36 inseam.