Hey kids it's me, Frazzles, the UPN-63 squirrel! Put your brain in neutral, because it's time for EXTRA! Totally awesome!
Hey there, Hollywatchers, welcome to EXTRA! Looking for all the hottest gossip about your favorite celebs? We dish in tonight's Rumor Control!
Rumor: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will impact the Earth in 2037, causing catastrophic loss of life.
Rumor Control says: TRUE! According to EXTRA! astronomers, Branjolina will intercept Earth's orbital path on May 1, 2037, unleashing the energy of 250,000 thermonuclear bombs. A 10-mile thick cloud of choking dust will then begin Earth's sixth global extinction event. Oooh ... paging Jerry Bruckheimer!
Rumor: In order to maintain his trademark baby-soft skin, country crooner Kenny Chesney lathers his face each morning with fresh stem cells.
Rumor Control says: FALSE! Chesney's immaculate complexion is actually due to a semiannual molt, like that performed by some reptiles.
Rumor: Significant warmth is in store for Central Jersey.
Rumor Control says: TRUE! The latest output from EXTRA!'s proprietary three-dimensional vector-based forecasting supercomputer shows springlike warmth for next weekend, with expected highs in the 70s! Until then, looks like three more days of high in the 40s and lows in the 20s, plus rain on Thursday. However, good things are worth the wait, kind of like "Superman Returns!" We hope!
Rumor: Bob Barker wants you to help control the pet population by having your pet spayed or neutered.
Rumor Control says: FALSE! Actually, Bob Barker's greatest joy is the suffering caused by pet overpopulation. EXTRA! has uncovered that "The Price Is Right" fixture's sadistic turn was precipitated by 40 years of watching jerks from UC-Santa Barbara on Contestant's Row successfully bid $1 despite having no actual knowledge of the displayed item's actual price.
Rumor: Michael Jackson is really made of tiny spide–
We interrupt Rumor Control to bring you breaking news. Gwyneth Paltrow has been stung by a bee. EXTRA!'s Action News Team now goes live to the Scientology Celebrity Center in Beverly Hills, where a team of auditors is working to remove the insect's lethal engrams. Hang in there, Gwyn!
Coming up next, an encore showing of "Judge Mathis"! Cool!
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GSG approves audit, delays budget approval after ‘insufferable’ meeting
Nikki HanThe final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.
The final Graduate Student Government (GSG) meeting for the semester lasted more than an hour and a half when discussions over the proposed budget for the next year and a proposed Student Life Fee of $100 turned controversial.
Effort to restore chapel’s pews slowly progresses
Ben GoldstonHead carpenter Jim Sullivan has been restoring the Chapel pews over the last year. The dry atmosphere of the Chapel has warped the wooden pews over the years.
Head carpenter Jim Sullivan has been restoring the Chapel pews over the last year. The dry atmosphere of the Chapel has warped the wooden pews over the years.
Metals, molecules, and medicine: chemical biology’s influence on health and sustainability
Aanya KaseraChemistry professor Chris Chang’s lab studies the chemical biology of the elements, specifically examining the roles that copper, iron, and zinc play in biology across all kingdoms of life.
Chemistry professor Chris Chang’s lab studies the chemical biology of the elements, specifically examining the roles that copper, iron, and zinc play in biology across all kingdoms of life.