Student-athletes, do you chafe under heinous NCAA restrictions that disallow your participation in March Madness bracket pools? Fortunately, the Weather Guy has you covered; try your idle prognostication skills at these alternate brackets.
2 United Kingdom v. 15 Argentina
The match-up: These bitter rivals meet in round one. Can Britain still summon the spirit of colonialism twenty-five years after the Falklands Islands War?
My prediction: Since these clubs last met, the Fightin' Gauchos have suffered attrition to their Nazi expatriate backcourt and a season-ending injury to currency valuation. Shooting guard J.K. Rowling should lead the plucky Brits to victory.
8 Slash v. 9 The Edge
The match-up: The long-awaited contest to determine which is the superior stage name conceit: the cutting surface, or the cut?
My prediction: After matching note-for-note during a 14-minute rendition of "Eruption," Slash gains the upper hand with a surprise eye gouge, causing The Edge silently to rue his distaste for both Bono's social activism and wraparound sunglasses.
5 Winter v. 12 Spring
The match-up: The calendar says spring, but will winter's tenacious defense of the Northeast shut down the vernal juggernaut?
My prediction: Possession arrow is in favor of spring, meaning pleasant weather, with highs gradually warming from the mid 50s today to upper 60s next weekend. The only exception is the perpetual winter of Knicks season ticket holders. Burned!
7 Larry the Cable Guy v. 10 Yakov Smirnoff
The match-up: Two evenly matched ethnocentric novelty acts square off. Smirnoff's biggest asset is his jujitsu-like ability to turn opponents' strengths against them by inverting their subjects and direct objects, while the Larry's precision flatulence acumen is unparalleled league-wide.
My prediction: The Cable Guy gits-r-done on name recognition basis. In fact, studio insiders are hinting that preproduction has begun on a sequel to Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, provisionally titled Larry the Cable Guy: Moron.
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