A tale of two 'cowboys'

Newsflash: conservatives are upset with something that California has screwed up. With big wins on Sunday night for movies dealing with homosexuality and race, some conservatives have accused the Academy Awards of having an agenda. And who can blame them? I mean, first they give the Oscar to a black guy, and now this? What's next, a Jewish producer's movie winning Best Picture? Let's draw the line somewhere, Hollywood.

The Academy Awards has been pushing the liberal agenda on us for years now. Remember back in 1995, when "Braveheart" won Best Picture? The filmmaker Mel Gibson would have us believe that there's nothing wrong with being Scottish, that being Scottish is just fine when, in fact, a majority of Americans do not approve of people being Scottish. But with five Oscars under its belt, "Braveheart" led the way for Scottish marriages everywhere, over the objections of several key conservatives.

Similarly in more recent years, "Titanic" led to the impoverished marrying the rich, "Shakespeare in Love" led to poets being allowed to wed and "The English Patient" finally gave the right of marriage to really, really, really boring people. And in 2002, when "A Beautiful Mind" won Best Picture, Princeton University was finally allowed to marry its longtime mistress — irrational decision making. And, oh, what a happy couple they are.

So, here is the problem as I see it: the liberal left wants to continue to make these so called "message movies" about homosexual love and whatnot, and the conservative right wants Hollywood to stop shoving these movies down our throats. I think I have a solution for this problem that should please everyone and if not everyone, at the very least, Bill O'Reilly.

What if the Academy started handing out two separate awards — one for work in "message movies" and one for work in good ole fashioned all-American films? Handing out two statues for the same category is not without precedent; the Oscars used to honor the work of two cinematographers: Best Cinematography — Black and White and Best Cinematography — Color. For example, there could be two awards for best picture: Best Picture — Standard and Best Picture — Nefarious Homosexual Agenda.

Now, if you think that there weren't enough films with nefarious homosexual agendas released this year to fill out an entire category, you're dead wrong. Think about it: "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote" and "Transamerica." Ahh ... "Herbie: Fully Loaded." And, finally, "Brokeback Mountain." Because, let's face it, liberal Hollywood, some of your movies are so nefariously gay, they deserve to be nominated for this award twice ("Moulin Rouge" also would have been nominated twice).

Finally, it is important to note that though the actual statues in the physical sense would be independent of each other, they would be completely identical in value. To put it in simpler terms, these two awards would be separate ... but equal. Now I can already hear my critics say that "separate but equal" has no place in this debate. I couldn't agree more. Let's not conjure up thoughts of Plessy v. Ferguson, because this really has nothing to do with discrimination. Racial discrimination and sexual orientation discrimination couldn't be more dissimilar. For one thing, "race" starts with an "r," while "homosexual" starts with an "h". I think we all learned that in kindergarten. No, don't call it Plessy v. Ferguson. Call it Fosse v. Ferguson: separate, but fabulous!

To conclude, if George Clooney and the rest of red Hollywood want to appease the conservative right, they need to stop scamming the American people and call a spade a spade. Their award shows cleverly work on the premise of giving out awards to the "best" films but in reality, give awards to the most subversive films. The lies, however, don't stop there. Even the titles of these movies are hiding something. Did you know that "Brokeback Mountain" isn't even a real place? And that "Capote" had a first name? Where is the end of this trail of lies?

Hollywood needs to look at itself deep down inside and admit that it has a problem. Because unless Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel present the producers of "Rambo 4" with Best Picture next year, that problem will persist. And unlike those two "cowboys" from "Brokeback Mountain," we do know how to quit the Oscars: it's called the off button. So, good night, Hollywood, and good luck. Just rest assured that no matter how bad the sequel to the 78th Academy Awards is, there is no possible way it can be worse than the sequel to Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. Now there's something to be upset about. Jason Gilbert is a freshman from Marietta, Georgia. He can be reached at jogilber@princeton.edu.