The first in a periodic series in which I fabulate and then respond to ersatz correspondence.
Weather Guy, what are your thoughts on the, ah, unique casting choice of Jack Black in "King Kong?" — Cliff
Cliff: Unwise. Really, who was the studio executive who thought, "You know who would be great as Carl Denham? That guy from Tenacious D!"
Dude, is it going to stay cold this week? Also, what is your favorite nautically-themed breakfast cereal? — Sondra
Sondra: Actually, after a very cold morning today, there should be a pretty decent warming trend this week. By Wednesday and Thursday, highs will climb into the mid-to-upper 40s as a low moves to our north. This system brings a warmer, more humid airmass and chance of rain on Thursday. In response to your other query, clearly Cap'n Crunch is superior in all ways to feckless imitator Admr'l Bran.
Have you noticed anything strange about Weezer's latest album? Other than it not being very good, I mean. — Claire
Claire: The bizarre parsing of "Make Believe" conceals the fact that it precisely synchronizes with "The Land Before Time XVIII: Littlefoot's Voyage of Self-Discovery." For instance, note that "Beverly Hills" plays while Spike and Ducky frolic in the La Brea Tar Pits, while the otherwise inexcusable "We Are All on Drugs" commemorates Littlefoot's descent into the Cretaceous underworld of Schedule II controlled substances.
Weatherman, which razor is right for me? According to recent computer animations, the Mach 3 applies undue pressure to sensitive skin, while the Fusion's five blades are too expensive. — Theo
Theo: As the brand name hints, the Fusion's lofty retail price is due to the expenses Gillette incurs operating the cyclotrons essential to its production. In fact, the Fusion results from a complex fusion-fission chain triggered when two Schick Quattros impact head-on in a supercollider. Briefly forming a highly unstable eight-bladed razor, this rapidly decays into a Fusion, three Bics, six molecules of Helium-3, several high-energy photons and an incalculable host of neutrinos.
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