Recreating progressive gender roles

When H.L. Mencken said that all women regard all men as asses — objects of pity, even — he was describing an altogether utopian state that was already disappearing in his day and has nearly disappeared altogether in ours. Women are in grave danger of forfeiting their natural intellectual superiority for social equality with men. I propose a different solution that allows them both.

To begin with, I must establish the historical background to the decline of female intelligence. It was Capitalism, more particularly Industrial Capitalism, that created the conditions for the female revolt in the first place, because it allowed men for the first time to achieve nearly total domination over the lives of women. In all previous economic systems, women had been important economic actors, often more important than men, because economy had always been at least partly private and domestic. Remember that the word "economy" itself simply means "the law of the household." Capitalism made economy public, and instead of involving women themselves in the public sphere, men co-opted their economic power, creating a kind of hegemony over their women that was unrivaled by any ancient barbarian misogyny. The result has been painful for all involved. Byrne-Jones and his friends resurrected the Medieval vision of woman as an object of divine beauty without resurrecting the Medieval reality of woman as a seamstress; the suburbanization of the '50s chained her to her home even as the home faded from public importance.

Not only women have suffered. Men have been allowed to control too much, and they have made a mess of it. After all, what men love most of all is to draw up systems, point to maps and craft strategies, the preeminent skills useful for pontificating and making war. Unfortunately, they have turned the corporate boardroom into a war-room and, for lack of another opponent, have declared war on our entire culture.

I propose a revolution. Our whole social order is flawed because we no longer understand the duty of the sexes. The duty of men is to talk about Gd by the city gates, make speeches and occasionally kill each other. The duty of women is to make sure everyone has enough to eat and to laugh at the men behind their backs.

This vision of society is not simply a nostalgic cry for returning to a matriarchal agricultural system. We could change the world today, if we liked. The necessary measures are clear: We must revoke all the political privileges by which women have dragged themselves down almost to equality with men. In turn, we shall forbid men from making or spending money of any sort. The 19th amendment must go, as well as certain anti-discrimination laws. Credit card companies and banks will close accounts held by men, and stores will refuse to sell to them or hire them as employees. Only academic, theological, political, sporting and military careers will be open to men, and all shall be strictly unrenumerated. If it is necessary for the purposes of democracy to pay public officials a salary, let it be paid to their wives, or to their nearest female kin if they are unmarried.

The great complication is, of course, those jobs in government that have to do with the economy. Will we allow Ben Bernanke to keep his job? Sadly for Princeton, I must say no. Positions in government that actually affect the livelihoods of Americans must be held by women. (Happily, Alito is good to go.) As for Congress, we shall simply not allow them to spend any money. For years, many people have wanted to do this in any case. All the necessary appropriations for government work shall be handled by a special team of women in consultation with the First Lady.

Women, embrace your superiority! Acknowledge that you are better than men at everything that matters in life. Men, let us avenge the ignominious defeat of our once proud football warriors and burn Yale to the ground — if the women will pay for our gas. David Schaengold is a philosophy major from Cincinnati, Ohio. He can be reached at dschaeng@princeton.edu.