Eight-ball, corner pocket

Hype is the coin of the realm these days, and perhaps a malaise with no purer expression than the furor over "It," better known as the superfluous Segway. Embarassingly, at the halcyon age of 15, your weatherman was snookered by the fantastic claims preceding the device's release: I thought it was some sort of flying bicycle, a la ET. Obviously I (and everyone) was nonplussed by the revelation that the uber-hyped "It" was a glorified push lawnmower packed with thousands of dollars in pointless widgetry whose function, as sweet Internet prince Maddox points out, could be performed by a third wheel costing 50 cents. The Segway was supposed to revolutionize urban transportation; what it actually revolutionized was how Aspen mailmen deliver heavy copies of Vogue.

So while Colorado dilettantes receive 896 tips for how to please their men, much hype of late has been centered on destructive and/or bizarre weather events. And for good reason: With record rain, global warming, hypercanes, potassium infusion and a spate of chupacabra attacks, it's no wonder the Rapture Index closed at 52-week highs on Thursday. In these troubled times, what America needs is a razor-sharp heuristic to cut through the apocalyptic flotsam and deliver a series of short declarative sentences. Fortunately, clarity, thy name is Tyco's Magic 8-Ball, suggested retail price $12.99.

Therefore, let us gaze deeply into the 8-Ball's inky carcinogenic depths and discern the immutable meteorological Fate that awaits us this week in disparate locales across this great land. Magic Eight Ball, what say ye of the Northeast? Shall the recent weather of massive crappiness persist in perpetuity?

8 Ball: My sources say no.

Well played, my plastic friend. Indeed, if you are staying in the Northeast for break, look for temperatures to moderate beginning late this weekend. There should be a couple mostly sunny days in the 60s before the next disturbance rolls through on Wednesday, temporarily cooling things off again. What's the outlook for early season snow in association with this system?

8 Ball: Outlook not so good.

Oh, Magic 8-Ball, your impeccably timed comments amuse us all. Tell us, O Muse, will the weather cooperate for those lucky enough to be bound for the Southeast?

8 Ball: Signs point to yes.

Verily, the South, the Magic 8-Ball's ancestral homeland, looks even warmer than normal, especially towards the tail end of break as a high pressure system moves in. It should be pretty dry for the most part, but will that be true of the West and Midwest?

8 Ball: Don't count on it.

Indeed, Magic 8-ball, you are very interesting and very, very perceptive. The pattern in the West and Midwest looks very active. While most of California should be dry and comfortable, things will be cold and rainy in the Pacific Northwest, and in the Plains there could be enough cold air in place for some snow midweek. For the Great Lakes and upper Midwest, there's a chance Mother Nature could send more flakes flying than a malfunctioning ice chipper at an Orange Julius. Finally, Magic Eight Ball, on a personal note, today is my 20th birthday. Will I get that pony I've been asking for?

8 Ball: Concentrate and ask again.

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Sigh. Someday, Moonshadow, someday. Until next week, here's wishing you a Fall Break more epic than the Magna Carta and 10 Super Bowls and more refreshing than a brisk moist towelette on a hot summer's day.