What you are about to read is The Truth. The reason you know it's the truth is the bipartite oath all who set foot inside The Daily Princetonian MegaDoppler 90000000+ Weather Center must swear: I promise to never lie to you, and I solemnly swear to use the word "awesome" at least once per column.
That said, a story lost amid the hue and cry of Hurricane Rita was that of Scott Stevens, erstwhile meteorologist at KPVI Channel 6 in Pocatello, Idaho. This week, Mr. Stevens quit his on-air position in order to research material for his website, www.weatherwars.info. His contention is delightfully schizoid. In short, he believes that Japanese Mafia seeking to avenge Hiroshima are using electromagnetic pulse weaponry supplied by rogue ex-Soviet scientists to cause destructive storms to hit the United States. No word on if the Freemasons, Illuminati, Stonecutters World Council or Bat Boy are involved.
While Stevens has about as much credibility as Oliver Stone's copy of the Weekly World News, our recent nasty weather is enough to make one scan the skies for black helicopters with night-vision goggles wrapped in tinfoil. Weather connoisseurs know warm, humid conditions and fall are the most singularly inappropriate duumvirate since Snoop Dogg and Lee Iacocca; clearly, autumn days should be as crisp as the sepia wash of an old photograph.
Fortunately, after a chance of storms tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday should be mild, sunny and quite pleasant. On Thursday, the year's first Canadian airmass sweeps down from the frozen tundra, so expect a chance of strong afternoon storms followed by plunging temps after dark. Bottom line, pattern change is coming for the weekend. And that's for shizzle, Iacozizzle ... barring an unanticipated Yakuza hit.
Finally, thanks to MC Hammer for emerging from the fog of antiquity to pinch hit a column simultaneously dope on the floor and magic on the mike on Friday. About time, too: they say a broken clock is right twice a day, but it hadn't been Hammertime for well-nigh 12 years now.
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