Grades are only the first step in the anti-deflation war

Friends, Princetonians, money-grubby students, lend me your ears. After last springs PR debacle, I invite you to assent to the next battle in the war on grade deflation before the plebiscite is officially held.

I had hoped that the whole deflation scheme would be generously granted to you before you were led astray by such picayune concerns as jobs, grad school and happiness. You should be thankful that your wise faculty had the wisdom and courage to bend to my will. I saw the problem. I saw the solution. And I had the courage to foist it upon you.

In conversations with my henchmen — err, the department heads — I have determined that we are ahead of schedule. For the fall semester only 25 percent of grades granted are A's or A-'s. I expect to see the average G.P.A. level off at .25 by 2010. And by I, I mean the Faculty Committee on Examinations and Standards — wink, wink.

There have, however, been some holdouts. President Shirley "T-Dawg" Tilghman, the provost and I have discussed the situation, and we have settled upon an appropriate solution. University Architect Jon Hlafter GS '63 has been overseeing the construction of an environmentally-friendly moral suasion chamber, to be located on the C floor of Firestone Library.

Professor Peter Singer has examined the plans for the chamber and assured us that though the conditions are unfit for deer, they are appropriate for incorrigible professors.

I believe that the chamber soon be unnecessary, but we are willing to keep it open as long as professors continue to recklessly pervert the grading system.

As we are now secure in the grading theater, I believe now is the time to seek the next round of deflation. Grades are only the beginning. It is now time for us courageously step forward into the brave new world of deflation.

I have appointed a special committee on deflation to explore other areas potentially hospitable to deflation.

We estimate that student self-esteem will naturally deflate, so no further efforts will be necessary in that arena. Tires, balloons and offensive linemen are next on the list. These three targets will be returned to their pre-inflation sizes. We will only allow them to take up the amount of space they deserve, for this is the only way they will find their space valuable.

Subsequent rounds of deflation will be implemented until we reach our ultimate goal: the deflation of the Goodyear blimp.

Go get it, Skipper!

Email suggestions on new deflation targets to deflationista@ dailyprincetonian.com. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's 2005 Joke Issue.