Sure, awards given out on Class Day and accolades like valedictorian are all well and good, but let's be serious: You're not getting those and neither am I, so who really cares?
Seniors, I have complied a list of the winners of a new award called the Freddys, in honor of the man who let us into this fine school. I had to dig back through four years of events, people and places to find the winners. Here they are:
Most awkward moment: Hearing Tracy Morgan rant and swear at the Princeton student body while making absurdly inappropriate comments that had everyone in Dillon shifting in their seats. If you had to miss the event for a colonoscopy, don't worry, you had more fun than those of us who went. The only time I've ever felt so awkward was ordering a burger at Frist next to Peter Singer.
Most Entertaining Activity: Listening to Brother Steve preach the truth. There was something about being called a whoremonger right before lecture in McCosh that made my day that much better. After Steve's small legal issues, his place has been taken by Greenpeace activists who are just as preachy but much less entertaining. O Brother, where art thou?
Best Class: AST 203: The Universe, hands down. I have absolutely no idea what this class was about, but Bill Nye the Science Guy showed up for a guest lecture halfway through the semester and there was free pizza on the last day.
Best Business Decision: By placing the new checkout counter in the middle of the Wa, that fine establishment managed to add several feet between the Doritos and the front door, more than enough extra room for Karim to get a decent jump on you as you bolt towards the door with your "borrowed goods."
Longest Construction Project: This is a tie between the Woody Woo plaza and Foulke Hall. For the last four years, there have been men cutting lines into the stone in the Woody Woo plaza and filling them in with something, only to begin again when they're done. I have yet to see Foulke Hall behind all of the construction equipment, and I lived there for a year.
Biggest disappointment: Kate Bosworth, where are you?
Best Sports Moment: Rushing the court at Jadwin freshman year after beating Penn and earning a place in the Tourney. I haven't relished watching Penn lose that much since, well, this year.
Worst Sports Moment: When the same Quaker-slayers lost to Florida International in 2002. This raises many important questions, first and foremost being who or what is Florida International?
Most Ridiculous Media Attention: Newman's Day 2004. Stop the presses! College students Drink Too Much for a Stupid Reason.
Most Frustrating Experience: Trying to come up with a new OIT password. Sorry, your password is not valid because it is based on the dictionary word "nealuocktun609." What?
Most Underrated Food: George's Roasters and Ribs. It gets ignored because it's literally right next to the Haven, but let me tell you something: George's puts together a better quality product for cheaper without the lines. I'm a convert.
Most Overrated Food: PJ's Pancake House. Sure it might be a "Princeton Tradition," but that didn't make the large piece of plastic attached to my American cheese there disappear now did it?
Best moment in Richardson Auditorium: A tie between Brian McKenna '04 asking Billy Joel what music he hooks up to and Dean Dunne's performance in "I'm Dean Dunne," aided by the cast of Whose Line is it Anyway?
And finally, the big one:
Best Moment at Princeton: Looking back at four years of roommates, precepts, lectures, the Street, room parties, sporting events and whatever else you did here and realizing that you are lucky enough to be part of the Princeton community now and for the rest of your life. This is the greatest college experience in the world, and I envy all of you who have time left here.
As for me, I'm outta here, and I'm taking my inflated G.P.A. with me! Cullen Newton is a politics major from Washington, D.C.
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