Tips for the Class of '08

All right, Class of '08, feel free to throw out the Penn memorabilia you were keeping around just in case Princeton rejected you. You're actually in now, and the best welcome gift I can give you is some solid advice. So here goes.

There are various scenarios in which you could find yourself naked this year. If it's outside in Holder during the first snowfall, get inside quickly. If it's running between two clubs on the Street by night, you have just lost at Beer Pong. Get better. Guys, if you find yourself naked with a girl your first year, get real. If it's for no particular reason, row crew.

Now that we've covered being uncovered, let's talk professors. Professor Cornel West GS '80 is a brilliant but at times difficult to understand man. To figure out what he's saying, simply remove the "- ification" from every word he says. For example "fleshification" must have something to do with flesh, and "demonification" has to do with demons. You can't lose.

Time not spent in class is well spent drinking. If you think Beirut is a city in the Middle East and that Robo is what Princeton resident Paul Robeson's buddies called him, get educated quickly. Also, any attempt to complete Newman's Day before noon always ends poorly. Always.

Any talk of drink must involve food, and as freshmen, you get to eat in the lovely dining halls. There are three words to remember: Chicken, Broccoli, and Cheese. These delightful fried bundles of joy are served up every other Sunday night. On other days, two words: Papa Johns. 419- 0900. Remember that like your Social Security Number.

While we're on the subject of bad food, let's touch on bad food and bad ideas at the same time: the Taco Bell near AMC Theatres does not accept walk-through orders at their drive-through. You want to talk good food and bad ideas? Try going into Hoagie Haven without knowing exactly what you want to order. You will be asked repeatedly and loudly until you run out in tears. Your order, in case you don't know yet, is a full Chicken Parm with lettuce and onions. Or, if you have nothing to live for, go for the Western Omelet Hoagie, known by some as the "widow maker."

Above all, your goal freshman year is to not look like a freshman. Girls, everyone knows you're a freshman if you bring a purse to the Street. So don't. Guys, everyone knows you're a freshman no matter what you do. So don't try.

Also, nobody does all the reading. No one even tries. So go watch "Full House" reruns like you know you want to.

Now for the grab-bag of advice: There is a Hooters in Princeton, and no, Tiffany does not want your number. Already tried.

Jokes about Yale are funny because they're true. New Haven really is that bad. Stay far away from it.

If you're really adventurous, you could hit up the Burger King across Nassau Street. But don't give pennies to the decrepitlooking people in front of the entrance, as they will be offended. They are in fact hippie townies and not beggars. They want your Phish bootleg tapes, not your change.

In case people ask, Princeton is the one with the pretty member of the Bush family.

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If your name is Paul Enis, contact OIT immediately about changing your email address.

Mute your IM, for the love of God.

And finally, the single most important advice I can pass on is to send money to U.S. News and World Report. They do good work. In fact, they are a magazine which deserves high praiseification.

There, you're learning already. Cullen Newton is a politics major from Washington, D.C. His column runs every other Friday. He can be reached at cnewton@princeton.edu.