WOMANIFESTO!

I've had enough! It's time to rise up! It's time for the green-haired women on this campus to take it back!

Yesterday afternoon, I stood on McCosh Walk just before 4 p.m. in eager anticipation of finding the one thing I have been seeking for years on this campus. Naively, I thought, "What better day than Dean's Date to see every student on the campus pass me by? Surely, I'll find the one I'm looking for."

The minutes passed; then an hour; then two hours. With each passing minute, the anger I have been feeling toward this university and its students finally came closer and closer to boiling over the surface. I saw lots of brown, lots of yellow, even some red — but not a single sighting of the one color I really wanted: green! Who do you students think you are? Do you think it's alright live your entire life with your natural hair color? Since when did you get the idea that it was acceptable to waltz around an Ivy League campus — Princeton, no less — without green hair?

I guess I should understand it by now; after all, I've been here 18 years. You Princeton students think you can just do whatever you want. You know — wear button down shirts, think conservative thoughts, eat in fancy clubs. Well, I've got news for you guys: It's not OK — it's not OK at all, and I intend to make some changees.

In fact, I'm in a position where I really can make some changes around here. I'm the big dog now, the fat pussycat on this campus. I'm the one in the corner office of Nassau Hall . . . oh, and what a great building it is. It's just so . . . so . . . so feminine.

Janet will understand what I'm talking about. She's great — not like everyone else on this campus. She realizes that she can just walk into a new position and scrap every ounce of tradition that was every associated with it! God, she's so much better than that old hog, Fred. We had to fumigate the building after he departed — he left this wretched stench of maleness hanging on the air throughout. Yes, Janet and I really understand each other. And I mean we really understand each other.

'Hodgepodge' on the admissions application? Who needs it? Gone.

'YES!' atop your acceptance letter? Shirley and Janet say 'NO!'

Discuss the eating clubs in the admissions bulletin? I'd rather let prospective students know about our diversity workshops. I'll drink to that!

Oh, and we'll add one other thing: a coloring section. "Use a crayon to color."

But worst, worst of all on the Princeton campus is this publication. What do they call it? The 'Princess'? I don't even know why I've bothered writing a submission for your paper — its not like you'll accept it anyway. I mean, after all, it's not like I'm some chauvinistic, egotistical male pig? And that's the only type of column you publish, right?

I'm sure that not a single member of The Daily Princetonian editorial board is a woman. From what I have seen, your paper remains an old boys club from the days of yore — not a female voice in the whole place. In fact, I'm reminded of the times when women weren't allowed to set foot on this campus, let alone work in its laboratories.