Health Services is planning a series of new initiatives for February, beginning with Condom Fest the first Saturday of the new term.
Nurses
"Our nurses have been identifying a significantly higher proportion of pregnancies among undergraduates, and we are concerned," said Daniel Silverman, director of Health Services whose email address, silvermd@princeton.edu, notes his qualification.
Childbearing
"Although statistics show that when a child is the result of the copulation of two alumni, levels of contributions to the University tend to be high, we don't think childbearing is another task already busy undergraduates need here at Princeton."
Flu Fest
Condom Fest will be held in the multipurpose room of Frist Campus Center, following in the footsteps of Flu Fest, with a range of delights including pina coladas, bananas and edible contraceptives. Half of the funding is coming from University sources. Tiger Inn is providing the other half.
Engineering condoms
"We are particularly excited about a condom our engineering school friends have developed; we call it the Tigerlily," Silverman said. "As rhythm picks up, the condom transmits a signal to a nearby radio device which will increase or decrease the tempo of a Luther Vandross song."
Excited
Engineering school students were also excited about the development.
Mr. Engineering
"While we don't forsee the need to use the 'Lily' anytime soon, we are glad that we are beginning to be recognized by the liberal crowds, particularly art history majors," said the former president of Charter Club Tom Reichel, the esteemed winner of this year's Mr. Engineering contest.
Wireless Internet
Wireless Internet in Frist will allow demonstrations.
Condom Fest
Condom Fest is planned as part of a full month's schedule of health events that come on the heels of this term's Cirque de Santé. The February affair will be called Cirque de Soleil, with gymnasts teaching how the physical skills and stamina built up in acrobatics can provide good experience in bed.
Protection
"There are ways to have a great time, but you have to use protection," said an unidentified student sitting in McCosh waiting room recently when a nurse approached her and said, "So you're here for the pregnancy test?"
Fest
Some of Princeton's alumni have expressed great consternation about the new Fest. One, William H. J. C. McFinnister IX, wrote to Princeton Alumni Weekly, declaring: "When we imported girls from Smith and Wellesley when I was an undergraduate, we didn't see a need to undress to have a good time. A bow tie and a game of Go! can provide a lot of fun. Condom Fest today, Copulation Fest tomorrow."
Grad input
A current graduate student, H. Chin McPhaleian Bouinse, was doubtful: "Condom good or bad, OK, must grade economic problem sets."
Silverman unfazed

Despite the dubiousness of some older folk, Silverman is unfazed.
Little controversy
"Health Services offers a wide range of services, including pregnancy tests and flu shots. There should not be much controversy about this effort," he asserted. "We know kids are at college and are going to have sex on Saturday nights. But Sundays should be about preparing for Mondays, not worrying about getting an ultrasound on Tuesday."