Borough Police raided Stanhope Hall early yesterday morning after receiving a tip from an anonymous Tory staff writer that there was evidence of widespread drug abuse in the building that houses Public Safety's main office.
According to the police report, the caller described a "cloud of marijuana smoke" that was "billowing" from several ground-level windows in the building.
The police were greeted by several visibly intoxicated proctors, one of whom was obviously delusional. "Oh man! The pigs are here!" the delusional proctor said as he was escorted out of the crowded basement room. "This totally wastes my buzz."
"This comes as quite a shock," said Police Lt. Endda Fiasco, "especially in the wake of Public Safety's recent campus anti-drug campaign — Marijuana, the Silent Killer."
The police reported finding what was described as "a drug dungeon" in the basement. "The floor was covered with pizza boxes and used syringes, and Bob Marley was blasting from the stereo," said one officer who asked not to be identified.
"There must have been $1 million worth of cocaine and several containers of Oxycontin with a note saying 'from your pal, Rush,' " he said.
The police report stated that evidence was found that the drugs being abused by the proctors had been confiscated from students, as well as shipped in from the Caribbean. There was also evidence found of intent to sell to minors.
"Dude, that was the coke we got from Ivy!" one public safety officer cried as the drugs were confiscated by police. "That's the best [stuff] we got!"
Fourteen drug-addled public safety officers were taken into police custody, as well as several bongs and the remaining drugs. It took 11 police officers three hours to carry out the hundreds of pounds of cocaine, Oxycontin and marijuana hidden all over the basement of Stanhope. There were also several ounces of heroin and hallucinogenic mushrooms.
"The Colombians are never gonna sell to us again after this," one public safety officer was heard saying.
Public Safety officials were not available for comment. This is the Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.
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