'Ask Amory' — ageless advice

Our regular columnist was unavailable this week, due to a busy exam schedule. The celebrated advice columnist Amory Blaine '17 has agreed to answer your letters in his stead.

Dear Amory,

There's this guy who just seems to want to stay near me. He's smart and handsome and a great history teacher, but somehow I don't think he's right for me. He makes me uncomfortable. All of my student friends say he's a great guy. What should I do?

Nervous in Nassau

Dear Nervous:

Take a deep breath and give him tenure. He's probably a better researcher than you think.

Dear Amory,

I don't think my boyfriend loves me. I try and try to get his attention, but no matter how far I roll down the waistband of my shorts, he just doesn't seem to notice. What can I do to rekindle his respect for me?

Curvaceous in Cuyler

Dear Curvaceous,

Flaunting's fine, but it's important to have something to show off. Are you spending enough time at the gym? And don't forget that Dillon is a great place to strut your stuff. You don't want to be that frumpy girl exercising in a sweatshirt, do you?

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Dear Amory,

My best friend just won a scholarship to Oxbridge University, and now radiates a luminous glow. Is it still safe for me to begin a conversation? Or would that be disrespectful?

Humbled in Holder

Dear Humbled:

These scholarship people can actually be nice sometimes and even make good editors. Sure, they've won a lot of prestige, but how would you feel if you were transported across the Atlantic for a years' worth of warm beer? Remember you'll be integrating optimized office network-based solutions while they're slaving away for an M. Phil in Comparative Ontological Norma-tology. So who's winning after all?

Dear Amory,

I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I don't think I want to do I-banking, consulting, law school, med school, grad school, nonprofit or other. Is there anything else? What's this "other" business all about?

Senioritis in Spelman

Dear Senioritis,

I don't know what "other" is — but it sounds pretty badly paid. There's no reason to despair. In just a few months you'll be transforming a major toaster manufacturer with outdated products and inflexible systems into an award-winning consumer-based company with 25 percent higher margins. And don't forget, every one of our analysts enjoys the independence to accomplish their mission and to realize their potential.

Dear Amory,

I feel my will power slipping. All this tofu is leaving me malnourished. I no longer have the strength to attend protests. Wild Oats just doesn't seem to do it for me anymore. I'm fading away. I can't move myself out of Stokes, and if this makes me finish my Ph.D. by mistake, where will I go?

Wasting in Wallace

Dear Wasting,

Finishing your Ph.D? Now there's an idea...

Dear Amory,

The USG spent all the money earmarked for our chess club on hors d'oeuvres for a Dialogue event. How do we get funding? Vladislav and I feel marginalized. Any tips?

Deep Blue in Brown

Dear Deep Blue,

Here's a simple shell game. Ask them to make a generous contribution to your new student dialogue group. Tell them you'll be hosting professors for weekly dinner discussions that further the advancement of dialogue, diversity, and cross cultural encounter. No one says you can't play some chess on the side. The money will roll in.

Dear Amory,

I was only allowed one phone call so I'm writing to you. It wasn't my fault. I didn't see the twelve year old asleep on the taproom floor. Besides, his expired out of state hunting license said he was at least seventeen. The fuzz set me up! Bust me out of here and I'll give you free passes for life.

Punished on Prospect

Dear Punished,

It's hard to be detached and breathlessly aristocratic in jail. Here are some tips. Don't make eye contact, avoid conversation, and for God's sake, turn down that collar. Amory Blaine is the invention of a Wilson School major from New York, N.Y.