I, Cullen Newton, should be the next President of the United States.
George Dubya Bush, you have nothing on me. We both went to an Ivy League institution, and we both have no idea how we got in. Actually, your admission may have had something to do with your last name and mine may have had something to do with some pictures of Dean Hargadon at a motel outside of Philly. We both get very little respect from those around us and nobody ever has any idea what either of us is saying. You choked on a pretzel once, and I choked on my AST 203 final. The end result of both was that we were fine, you because of the Heimlich and me because of something called PDF.
You finish what your Dad started, only you do it in Iraq and I do it at the dinner table. You picked a Dick for vice-president, and I picked dicks for my best friends. I've given about as many press conferences as you have, so you have no advantage there. We both have a pretty poor grasp of economics, as evidenced by my ECO 101 grade and your tax cut. I'm telling you Georgie, you have nothing I don't. Except the college coke habit, I'm still working on that one.
Women hate us both, you because you're a Republican and me because I stopped shaving several months ago. Speaking of not shaving for a while, Al Gore hates us both, you because you beat him in 2000, and me because my grandma was one of the ones in Florida who couldn't read the ballot. My mom hates us both, you because she listens to National Public Radio and me because I won't pick my clothes up off the floor. That and because this run for president is legitimately my most serious pursuit of a job to date.
You're a real Southern Boy, and many find that appealing, but I dated a girl from Oklahoma once and eat at Chili's regularly. We both say "Mission Accomplished" when a job is far from done, you with your military endeavors and me with most of my papers. Oh, and with brushing my teeth. Speaking of military endeavors, you want a mustached man dead in Saddam Hussein. There I am again right with you. I want a mustached man dead also, mine being Geraldo, or maybe Dr. Phil, depending on my mood.
Both of us attempt to speak Spanish once in a while to persuade people to help us out. You try to appeal to Spanish-speaking voters at rallies, and I try to appeal to Mexican police in Cancun patting me down for drugs in the middle of a highway at sunrise. Those around you make you look completely intellectually dwarfed, but last year two of my roommates were astrophysics majors, making up close to half of the department and making the fact that I bombed my final in AST 203 that much more embarrassing. You're a devout Christian, but you don't have me there: I believe in God too (now that the Red Sox have Curt Schilling and the Patriots are 10-2). So what if your daughters are completely out of control? I'm the real deal, you don't even need to look to my kids (actually, please don't try to look up my kids). Bottom line is that I am equally qualified, if not more so, to be president of this fine nation.
I don't think the rest of the field merits any discussion. Anyone who takes a look at the Democratic hopefuls this year can see that it's either going to be Bush or me. The only thing Howard Dean has is a condescending attitude towards the South, and who doesn't, really? I'm still waiting to see Ashton Kutcher run out every time Dennis Kucinich is talking and yell "America, you just got punked!" John Kerry looks more like he's going for the Triple Crown than the presidency. Carol Moseley Braun is, well, I have no idea who she is. Joe Lieberman is too short to be taken seriously, and Al Sharpton can't win with that hair. Or that insanity. Wesley Clark looks too much like a priest to succeed in a year that didn't go so hot for priests. Or went a little too hot for priests, hence the problem. John Edwards I like, and he's got the whole Princeton connection, but he's still too close to Ms. Braun in name recognition. There are other candidates but you get the point: it's Newton and Bush, down to the wire.
Right now it's too close to call, but with your help I'll have a job next year. Vote Newton in '04!
Cullen Newton is a politics major from Washington, D.C.
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