Police blotter details wild grad student social life

Good God, the public safety police blotter is fantastic reading! We all knew that your bike wasn't safe at Princeton, but who knew that coffee makers were in jeopardy? On Sept. 24 someone reported a "foreign substance" in the coffee maker in Bowen Hall. That cappuccino you're drinking? That's not foamy cream on the top, and let's just leave it at that. While we're on appliances, why not bring up the "suspicious incident involving two washing machines" in Butler from Sept. 12? If you live there and need to do laundry, get in touch with me and you can use my machine. Believe me, it's for the best.

How about the kid that walked into his bathroom in Forbes at 5:52 in the morning on Oct. 12 and urinated on the floor? Just a hunch, but I think alcohol may have been involved. Either that or an unfortunate tendency to urinate while sleepwalking that makes him a real hit with his roomies. What about the guy who walked into a room in Brown at 5:28 a.m. on Oct. 2, was asked to leave, and did so promptly? Who says chivalry is dead?

While we're on alcohol-related incidents, on Oct. 4 public safety confiscated some alcohol from kids on FitzRandolph field. The catch? They confiscated seven kegs. I wish they released names on the police blotter so I could party with these guys. Anyone who needs seven kegs for a party in the middle of a field is a friend of mine. I mean, when you think about it it's only over a thousand beers, but still . . .

Sticking with alcohol, a theme throughout the police blotter, I take back everything I've ever said about grad students having sub-par social lives. The police blotter from over at the D-bar makes The Street look Harvard-level boring. On Oct. 1 people were in the D-bar after hours consuming alcohol. On Oct. 4 the person closing the D-bar "encountered resistance" while shutting up shop. The individual who was refusing to cooperate was later identified as a seminary student. Holy Moses, what's going on over there? Forgive you father-in-training, for you have sinned. On Oct. 5 at 2:30 a.m. people were playing music in the D-bar, and on Sept. 27 there was a large unauthorized gathering at the D-bar that the police broke up. While they were in the bar, someone vandalized their cop car! You want precept reform? Let's start there!

Before we stray from the mind-altering substances, let's talk pot for a moment. On the night of Oct. 5 six people were suspected of smoking marijuana in Prospect Garden. When public safety showed up, four fled and two stayed. The two who stayed didn't have any marijuana on them, and the four that ran are at Princeton for a reason. On Oct. 11 an individual was reported asking students at Forbes for "weed." Let's put it this way: if you come to Princeton to look for your drugs, you've already had enough of them buddy.

Princetonians love seasonal crime, so when pumpkins show up in windows, pumpkins are just as quickly thrown out of windows. Oct. 11 saw people smashing pumpkins in the Mathey dining room. Pumpkin-crime was kicked up a notch on Oct. 16, when a pumpkin was thrown through a window at Guyot Hall. Take that, geosciences!

The pumpkin throwing can be chalked up to youthful indiscretion or 11 beers in an hour, but there are some reports that really make you question the level of intelligence on campus. I never really thought intellectualism was dead until I read that on Oct. 2 some students started a fire in their dorm by putting their socks on top of a halogen lamp. Then there's the report of someone camping in the woods by West Windsor field. Buddy, Butler's ugly, but it's not that bad.

Possibly as ugly as Butler is the flasher who exposed himself on the towpath on Sept. 17. There's motivation to run right there. If the flashers don't make you ill, just spend an afternoon at the stadium. On Oct. 11 a man reported feeling ill at the Colgate football game. Here's a hint: 30-3.