Lonely at the top? No, we're just fine, thanks

U.S. News and World Report allows Harvard to share Princeton's supremacy for a year? I demand a recount! Are the people who decide these things all elderly citizens from Palm Beach who did such a smashing job of participating in the political process during Election 2000? What did Lawrence Summers have to do to pull this travesty off? Or do I not want to know?

Everyone understands that U.S. News has to switch it up once in a while to keep interest and sales up. I'm all for a little variety every year, like letting Yale take second once in a while or moving Penn up to the second tier once a decade to humor them. But first place? That belongs to one school and one school only. Let's put it this way: In both the worlds of fashion and college rankings, not a whole lot matches orange.

The only Uno in Cambridge is of the Pizzeria variety. Sure, Harvard has amazing professors, but they care about undergrads about as much as I care about the WNBA. Ever tried going to Toni Morrison's office hours? Didn't think so. Now imagine an entire faculty completely indifferent to your beloved self. Professors forget about undergrads about as quickly as the administration would like to forget that the Unabomber is a distinguished alum.

As if the insult of allowing Harvard to share Princeton's home at the top for a year isn't enough, because of the alphabetical order we actually appear under them! From now on, I propose listing tied schools in order of how movies about them fared at the box office. That would put Princeton on top with a little flick called A Beautiful Mind, and Harvard behind by a nose with the well-received and critically acclaimed Tom Green film Stealing Harvard. Their color is crimson because they're so embarrassed.

Tom Green himself would fit right in at Harvard Square, a collection of the most bizarre people ever assembled in one place on the planet. You have to see it to believe it. If President Tilghman wants some green-haired kids, all she has to do is bring a van up to Harvard Square, open the back, and offer the vagabonds there some pot and a chance to escape the creature doing an interpretive dance next to them. Harvard Square is Palmer Square on acid. Literally. The only time I've ever been so scared in my life was driving through Brown.

While I like the feeling of Yale holding us up in the rankings, I don't understand why they're so high up either. Their best movie is The Skulls with the pudgy kid from Dawson's Creek, and if you think the inhabitants of Harvard Square are frightening, try New Haven. Harvard square assaults my senses, whereas New Haven assaults me with a deadly weapon.

Enough of Harvard and Yale being right behind Princeton all the time! How is any other school going to be able to bask in the glorious orange glow if these two behemoths don't stop chasing us for a little while? You guys have had your chance, now please step aside. I frankly wouldn't mind having some friendly Florida State coeds directly underneath me . . . Hey, they've got a great film school!

The U-Store sells shirts with the saying "Princeton: It's Lonely at the Top." Whereas at times we may crave a little companionship at the top of the magazine page, we certainly didn't ask for Harvard. We're not that lonely, believe me. Send us a friend, but make them fun. The most fun Harvard parties have to offer is Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the middle of a crowd doing his Simba voice from The Lion King. And Yale? Whichever Bush goes there, rest assured she's no Lauren.

So, Mr. Zuckerman and the good people at U.S. News: next year either give us a fun friend at the top or leave us be. Because to be completely honest, Harvard and Yale just aren't, well, Princeton material.

Cullen Newton, a new columnist, is a politics major from Washington, D.C.