In all seriousness . . .

Occasionally I get emails questioning my ideas, my facts and especially my topics. They laugh about my quest to fulfill every southern stereotype, just so I can win those awkward moments of "Hey, you're from Alabama? Have you ever . . ." They commiserate about the growing tally of lost proxes and the strange ways in which they inactivate themselves, "I swear, I never saw that crack before last night and no, I did not bite it."

I get encouragement, topic suggestions and criticism. I've been told my salvation is now insecure due to my attempt to explain Lent. A man wrote that my roommates didn't lose their proxes because they were careless but because they were female. A professor once warned me against what she derived as cynicism in my view of men as friends. She then proceeded to explain to me the benefits of a love life with a man with which you have no attraction. I remain unconvinced.

I actually remained uninterested until a friend questioned the usage of my column. He spread out the opinion page and traced the headlines with his fingers: "War Seizes Iraq," "Bloodbath of Freedom," "Can Men and Women be Friends?" He looked up at me, "Can you guess which one is yours?"

His point was clear, even if I didn't totally agree. While I understand the merits of a straight-laced, hard-hitting column, I prefer to conquer the difficult questions through lighthearted words.

True, it can be difficult to find segues to current events through topics such a reality shows. Jerry Springer's "I'm Pimpin' My Wife" rarely arouses a discussion of the war. Similarly, discussions of Civil War reenactments do not often lead to Supreme Court rulings on affirmative action.

I feel that there are better ways to approach the accusations of President Tilghman's appointments of female faculty. Instead, discuss her recent professional aversion to testosterone. Or propose an amendment that allows admissions officers to consider Y-chromosomes in the selection process. Maybe suggest means of funding the women's locker room that will have to be added to the boys' club.

Instead of arguing that the downfall of Princeton will begin with the hiring of a liberal, female dean of admission, lets instead paint a picture of Princeton in 2020. Will it be a wonderland of over 30,000 students with blue hair putting on artistic performances for every class, even molecular biology? Imagine the costumes . . .

Athletes talk themselves into a frenzy fighting that the moratorium is backwards in its basic principles. How can a rule that hinders students participating in extracurricular activities be designed to force them to be involved in things outside of the classroom? Instead, follow one alumnus who recommended a moratorium on studying instead. "Alright kids, labs will be shut down for the next two weeks. No studying. Go outside. Remember outside? The big yellow one is the sun."

Rather than continue to complain about the constant construction on areas around campus, lets talk about how the scaffolding on East Pyne will soon need remodeling. 1903 will be closed to students for an entire year not for remodeling but for pipe renovation. Not such a mental picture until a friend pointed out that the only room she could get on campus was a single smaller than a New Jersey jail cell.

Anti-Intellectualism is rumored to be an overwhelming problem on campus. Somewhat of an abstract idea until you catch ten students piled in a dorm room cheering for Joe Millionaire or the latest bachelor. Then again, if one of those students happens to be an ORFE, they may have had class for eleven hours that day and attempting to discriminate between Kristy and Kristi is about as deep as they can manage.

Right now the world is not at a good place. Outbreaks of the SARS virus and the depletion of resources cover the headlines, second only to the battle movements of troops overseas. The issue should not be the uselessness of humor at this point in history, but rather the need for it where it is appropriate.

I returned to my friend and explained my stance. My ideas may not be defined as "hard news" but I remain convinced that the power of irony and humor in making people think. True, they are mostly only convinced never to live in Alabama, men or women, depending on the reader, are hopeless as friends or that proxes in general are obnoxious. But in humor there is light and in our world is a great deal of darkness. Until a brighter light is recognized elsewhere, my topics will remain the same: Kindergarten, Christmas traditions, and being "the mom." Maybe next week I'll take some time and tackle the solution to global warming. Or maybe I'll just write about Snapple fact #43: Cats can hear ultrasound. Now that's funny.