'Let's get it on:' How to make the music of the night

"Okay, so I was hookin' up with a girl last night, which is kind of a rare occasion for me, and I see this Billy Joel CD laying right by the CD player, swear to God, and so I decided to put on 'Uptown Girl.' But my friend says I shoulda put on 'She's Always a Woman.' What do you think, Billy?"

While Richardson Auditorium burst into laughter, Billy Joel calmly contemplated the question and proceeded to give a truly great answer: "What would I have put on? 'Led Zeppelin IV!' " He then proceeded to sing "Kashmir" and grope an invisible woman.

I forgive him for mistaking "IV" for "Physical Graffiti" only because he didn't suggest a song like "Lady in Red" or something by latter-day Stevie Wonder or by his bosom-buddy Elton. There is nothing worse than putting on "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and spoiling a romantic evening.

There is no doubt that many will mix up a love CD for their Valentine, or possibly burn many copies of the same CD for their many Valentines. In any event, what most don't realize is that making a CD for someone is an extremely hazardous project because, frankly, the thought is not all that counts.

If someone listens to your CD and hates it, that person's respect for you in general declines. Our taste in music reflects who we are. If you can make a CD that someone can't turn off, it is a better and more memorable gift than diamonds.

To help towards that end, here are some tips for making a CD that will have your Valentine swooning:

1. Forget about putting on any song that immediately comes to mind. If your CD starts out with Your Song, proceeds to "Take My Breath Away," and has "Total Eclipse of the Heart" stuck in there, it's clear you haven't put any effort into your mix. Search for songs that you haven't heard in ages. Show you put some thought into it. (And if you are already offended that I have insulted Elton, well, then go ahead and make a CD chock full of Celine Dion.)

2. Start the CD with a strong song. If your true love skips over the first song, it is not a good sign. Why not "Smells like Teen Spirit" to kick it off? Or Cobain's most heartfelt love poem, "Aneurysm," which contains the lyrics "I love you so much it makes me sick." This, in my mind, is the most romantic line written in the history of love songs.

3. Include songs that are honest. "I Would Do Anything for Love" is a lie and you know it. "Sexual Healing" is a little closer to the truth. The point is, express what you really feel. Using music to convey feelings that you don't have is a truly reprehensible action. Don't say your love will last forever if you just want to get some. But at the same time, let it all hang out if you've got the feeling.

4. In my opinion, there are certain songs that have been written as weapons to tear down the defenses of the opposite sex. If "I Will Always Love You" is a handgun, Van Morrison's "Crazy Love" is a nuclear bomb. Dylan's "Tangled Up in Blue" and Lou Reed's "Pale Blue Eyes" have similar firepower. These emotional songs are perfect to end your CD.

5. And if you heed nothing else from this article, NO JAMES TAYLOR.