Confessions of an old Eli

Contrary to popular belief, the worst thing about being a grad student at Princeton is neither the self-imposed poverty nor the inadequate housing, nor even the 15-to-1 gender imbalance in the grad population. No, the worst thing of all is the divided loyalties. This is an especially acute problem for me, since hatred of my undergrad alma mater is as much a part of Princetonian culture as tiger-plaid sport coats or public drunkenness on Prospect.

Don't get me wrong. I love Old Nassau almost as much as I love my own grandma. Nonetheless, it was Mother Yale who, until recently, was always first in my heart. Current events, however, have tested this bond. Even though I still love Yale, I can no longer respect her. Over the course of recent weeks, today's Yalies have revealed themselves to be really, really dumb. And I don't mean just your run of the mill, "let's all go to school in a post-industrial urban wasteland" kind of dumb. I'm talking driveling, microcephalic stupidity of the sort Yale has not seen since the inebriated DKE president of 1968 first branded a pledge's backside.

Take the sad story of Brian 'Tip Top' Tippy, Yale senior and certifiable mongoloid. One recent Thursday night, according to police sources, the Tipster was partaking of that traditional New Haven pastime, narcotics shopping. Unfortunately, Tippy wasn't sure if the heroin he purchased was the real deal. So, like any right thinking young man, he takes his purchase to the police for testing. Sure enough, the stuff is as pure as a baby's freshly-wiped bottom, and the Tipmeister is promptly arrested.

Tippy disputes the police account of these events, though he refuses to specify exactly what transpired that fateful eve. Word of his alleged exploits, however, has spread far and wide. The resulting infamy reached its apogee when Jay Leno, the comedic master of middle-American moronism, recounted Tippy's torrid tale to the "Late Night" audience. "This guy goes to Yale University," Leno said. "How dumb are the kids at DeVry?"

But Tippy's encounter with the NHPD is far from the only evidence of Yalies' utter imbecility to emerge recently. A little over a week later, an anonymous student lost a significant chunk of her savings by falling for one of the oldest cons in the book, one known in the biz by the all-too-colorful name of "the pigeon drop." Walking off campus, this Yalette happened upon a New Havenite who claimed to have found a wallet, conveniently filled with cash and yet absent any ID. A helpful bystander identified herself as a paralegal, and suggested that the wallet be left with her boss. Off the bystander went with the wallet, returning a short time later to explain that she needed a $15,000 'good faith' payment. Why the Yalie believe fifteen grand was needed to disburse the wallet's contents legally is beyond me, but believe it she did.

The two con artists accompanied this addlebrained Ivy Leaguer to an ATM, where she not only emptied out her bank account, but also got a cash advance on her credit card for the remainder of the sum required. Putting the cash in an envelope kindly provided by the self-proclaimed paralegal, she was instructed to take it to the lawyer's office later that day. When the cretinous Yalie was unable to locate the law office in question, she noticed that the envelope in her possession contained nothing but slips of plain paper. The smooth criminals she encountered had, lo and behold, walked off with her dough. Throughout the whole affair, the only bit of good sense this doltish daughter of Eli has shown is to keep her name from the press.

From now on, if anyone asks, I'm saying that I went to Harvard. All in all, it's probably better to be associated with Ted Kaczinsky and his ilk than with 'Tip Top' Tippy and his. Michael Frazer is a politics graduate student from Riverdale, N.Y. He can be reached at mfrazer@princeton.edu.