Listening to the silence of eating disorders

There might be whispers about that one girl who every day in the dining hall fixes a salad with nothing but lettuce and vinegar, or a suspicious glance as someone switches to the treadmill after spending 45 minutes on the elliptical machine in the Stephens Fitness Center. There might be speculation about that guy who lost 20 pounds freshman year, only to gain it back by the beginning of sophomore year and then lose it by the end, or a rumor about someone who was asked to leave school.

On campus eating disorders are talked about everywhere and yet not talked about at all. There is observation, there is concern and there is gossip, but the hushed conversation and larger scale efforts to help and to effect change never seem to earn a public forum.

Jessica Herling '03 is a rare example of someone who decided to let her story surface. As someone who recognizes the severity of eating disorders on campus, she wanted to share on a wide scale the route to her recovery.

"I was kind of chubby in high school and started [dieting] because I wanted to lose weight before going to college — not to reinvent myself, but to start afresh," she said.

The summer before her freshman year, Jessica started down the road to anorexia, an eating disorder characterized by self-starvation and severe weight loss, which in advanced stages can lead to general weakness, loss of hair, amenorrhea (cessation of menstrual period) and, in rare cases, death.

On a diet consisting only of yogurt, fruit, Slimfast, salad with vinegar and grilled chicken, within the first three months at Princeton Jessica lost 30 pounds and went down in clothing size from an eight to a two. At her lowest weight, Jessica, who is 5'6'', weighed 106 pounds.

Jessica realized that she was not eating enough when she became too weak to exercise. But she was more focused on the way she looked than how she felt.

"I liked what I saw and thought the only way to maintain that was to lose weight," she said.

While Jessica said that at first her mother was pleased with her weight loss, after seeing her daughter over winter vacation, she threatened to pull her out of school if she did not gain at least 10 pounds.

"My mom saw me changing [clothes]," Jessica recalled, "and said she could see my ribs on both sides."

It is the support of family and friends and a change in lifestyle to which Jessica attributes her recovery.

"A friend confronted me privately and told me that I needed to talk to someone about the fact that I wasn't eating," Jessica said.

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And previously having been more reclusive, Jessica went out on the weekends more, started going to the dining hall for lunch and began snacking during rehearsals of her a capella group.

"Food is a huge part of enjoying life," said Jessica, who now maintains a healthier weight. "If you don't eat, you're going to create a huge anti-social persona."

But although she is able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, Jessica still views her relationship with food as less than normal.

"I often still feel guilty after eating a meal," she said. "And I'm still not satisfied with what I see in the mirror."

Eating disorders carry as much depth in their psychological implications as they do breadth across campus in the reasons they arise and ways they manifest themselves.

One ex-varsity athlete suffered from anorexia before coming to college and after arriving here turned to a habit of binging at night after starving herself during the day in order to be what she felt was the optimum weight for her peak performance level.

Another girl, who in high school had been at the top of her class, began a three-year cycle freshman year of binging and purging when one night she did not understand an essay assignment and realized that she might not be able to live up to her standards of perfection.

"A lot of people feel intimidated by the competition around them or that other people seem to be having an easier time," said Dr. Susan Packer, associate director of the McCosh Counseling Center and coordinator of the health services eating disorders team. "If they can't be the best lacrosse player or the smartest, at least they can be the best looking."

And while eating disorders were once most prevalent among white women, according to Packer, in recent years they have transcended both gender and cultural boundaries.

"This year we're seeing more men," said Packer, "than in the last four years combined."

In all, McCosh sees roughly 100 students per academic year who have clinically diagnosable eating disorders, of which one third are varsity athletes, according to Packer — a number that might include students who are coming back a second or third year. While no scientific surveys have been done to estimate the total number of students suffering from eating disorders, Packer said that the numbers are much higher than those recorded by McCosh.

Packer said there was no way to tell "how many students who have eating disorders use McCosh or the counseling center, since some do go outside for private treatment without coming to the attention of the PUHS eating disorders team."

But she added that — based on the number of students visiting the counseling center and the number of phone calls received — there was a sense that eating disorder symptoms were on an "upswing this year."

Though Packer said that there seems to be a general increase in psychological problems, she said that there has specifically been a shift in the attitude toward both eating disorders and the seeking of professional advice.

"I think that some of the myths [associated with eating disorders] have been dispelled," said Packer. "There is also less of a stigma attached to getting help."

But while professional health services present one path to recovery for those suffering from eating disorders, many students believe it is necessary to reevaluate and alter the campus environment in order to effect change. It is not an uncommon belief that a school like Princeton, which selectively admits ambitious, competitive students, builds an undergraduate community that is especially susceptible to eating disorders.

A survey on women's issues conducted last year by the USG — to which 174 women responded — estimated that 90 percent of all women on campus were preoccupied with food. Many respondents expressed that those concerns — which could in some people easily develop into disorders — were manifestations of behaviors such as perfectionism and competitiveness, qualities which had facilitated the students' acceptance to Princeton in the first place.

"I wouldn't necessarily say that Princeton breeds eating disorders, but that Princeton fosters eating disorders," said Holly Huffman '02, an eating concerns peer educator, one of a group of students dedicated to raising awareness on campus about eating concerns. "If you come from home already having issues from your life, [Princeton] can definitely make your problem a lot worse."