Hard at work: Why we can't get no satisfaction

There are some college students who get some, and there are those who don't. At Princeton, the latter group rules.

At least that's what Think Current, a news magazine published by Harvard students, would like students to think. According to the magazine, Princeton ranks dead last in the Ivy League in the percentage of students who are sexually active.

Using past surveys from campus newspapers — including the 'Prince' — to arrive at its conclusions, Think Current makes no claim to a scientific method of ranking sex scenes in the Ivies. What it makes clear, however, is that while 85 percent of Brown students are sexually active, and 83 percent of the nation's college students have a sex life, only 56 percent at Princeton do. More than in any other Ivy, Princeton students just don't get any, the magazine concludes.

Closer to home, the high rate of virginity at Princeton befuddles some students. There's general agreement on the aesthetic qualities born by Princeton women, a sentiment neatly summarized by Emily Mitchell '03, who said, "I think Princeton girls are beautiful."

What about Princeton males? Are they responsible for the lack of sex on campus? As expected, Princeton males refute this possibility. The real reason, they say, is that the Princeton student's unfaltering devotion to work, organization and time optimization.

"I think we're a lot more self-orientated school more than any other school," Mike Ritter '03 said. "I think everyone is really occupied with their activities. They were all valedictorians or super-stellar in high school and they want to be the same here. So they don't have the time to develop serious relationships."

Ritter continued, "[Sex] is definitely not happening in the E-Quad."

But even if 44 percent of Princetonians is abstinent, 56 percent is still enjoying a sex life. Most students said they believe sex at Princeton is usually a one-time deal — it is usually a part of hookups, not serious relationships.

Casual sex is regarded as the norm, and in fact, as one student observed, is actually preferred since it precludes the responsibilities and moral standards that accompany long-term relationships. So what is the Princeton sexual scene exactly? Are we "all prudes" as Kate Gammon '03 claims, in constant pursuit of the best that an American education can offer? Or rather, are we lascivious, promiscuous, sex craving, hormonally-driven adolescents, reveling in lust filled spheres found in the mansions lining the 'Street?'

The answer can be attributed to neither the former nor latter of the two extremes. In fact, the seeming paradox of abstinence combined with casual sex is simply the offspring of the institution that we fondly refer to as Princeton.

Princetonians are forced to reconcile biological drives with conflicting social expectations. The Princeton student is brought up with puritanical standards while placed on the fast track towards success defined in terms of the American Dream, all exactly at a time where humans are biologically driven to explore their sexuality and to seek out potential mates.

At other colleges, and on a broader scale, overseas, young adults have no qualms about satisfying their natural desires. There aren't hindered by the underlying guilt that accompanies sex here on campus. Princeton students view relationships as another priority on their already overbooked Palm Pilot.

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What results is a perverse and unnatural state where random hook ups replace relationships in an attempt to provide for temporarily release of sexual frustration.

Ronny Dosenbach '04, an international student from Germany pointed out, "it doesn't look normal if you just go to bed with someone you just met."

This, of course, can be avoided with the help of alcohol. "I think most of the hooking up that goes on here involves drunk people," Cynthia Casazza '04 noted. Princeton's drinking history is hardly pristine, and despite efforts to curb underage alcohol consumption, still is an issue plaguing campus authorities.

Thus, we are brought to the conclusion the sex scene at Princeton can be summed up in two words: screwed up. Hey, at least we're doing better than Harvard, where according to Casazza, her friends "get no ass." Period.