Oh, Cupid's Holiday! Hearts and flowers and champagne and chocolate! Couples strolling across campus hand in hand, gazing eye into eye, smiles beaming on their faces! The sun shines and a bird twitters as they are caught in a still moment of timeless beauty! Love is in the air!
Do you feel ill yet?
I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. Today is merely an occasion for restaurants, card-makers and hotels to exploit men desperate to please while providing women with an excuse for eating a lot of chocolate.
Anniversaries and birthdays should be enough official holidays for a couple to use. What is a dozen roses on the 14th of February? Meaningless. But how about on the 14th of March? Wouldn't that be a nice surprise!
Valentine's Day manages to take all the spontaneity out of a relationship. You (male or female) probably know what you'll get or do and feel (or realize it if you don't) that all is done out of a sense of obligation.
You, yes you, are a victim of this miserable holiday.
As I walked through a drugstore the other day and saw the rows of frivolous cards and cheap gifts I had a realization that caused my glum thoughts about Valentine's day to brighten. This holiday does provide a nice opportunity for some people: a chance to break off an unwanted relationship. Today is the ideal time to send that special message to that special someone. Whether you're on the shy side and haven't yet had the courage to call an end to it or just have an odd sense of humor, the perfect Valentine's gift could do the trick, provide a chuckle, and make you look like the innocent victim.
Let's start with suggestions for the men. Here are some gift ideas for the lady, but please! Don't limit yourself to mine.
1. A heart-shaped chocolate box, emptied of chocolates, filled with carrot sticks.
2. A toolbox. A rather large toolbox. Tell her you thought she'd like to share your interests.
3. A "Buns of Steel" video tape. Of course, a Jane Fonda or other similar lose-that-fat video would probably work just as well.
4. Playboy paraphernalia. A nice baggy T-shirt or baseball cap with that cute bunny motif. Mention that you know she likes animals.
5. Deodorant. Remove the label and put on a blank one saying "(Woman's Name)'s Deodorant: For Daily Use." Underline "Daily."
6. A copy of verses 22 through 24 from the sixth chapter of Ephesians. Explain that you've become a Southern Baptist. Not "Texas" or Northern style, but the real deal. Make sure you don't smile.
7. A kiss. Then tell her you have mono. Explain that you thought she wanted to share things with you.
8. A "Bride-to-Be" gift basket. Include "The Idiot's Guide to Cooking," an apron and a sewing kit.
At this point I should be politically correct and make a list for the women. But wouldn't that consist of a betrayal of my sex? And since when have I been politically correct? Some of the above suggestions could certainly be used for men. Besides, women have always been masters of the subtlety trade, and I am sure they will not need any help from me to get rid of Bozo in an elegant yet offensive manner.
Don't interpret anything I've written here as mean or spiteful. Just think of the public service I'm doing! Somewhere out there on the Princeton campus are cowardly people unable to escape from an unwanted relationship, and I will sleep well tonight knowing that I have helped them.
(Nathan Arrington is an art and archaeology major from Westport, Conn. He can be reached at arington@princeton.edu)
Read More
For the record, video cameras at CPUC meetings must not go
Alex Norbrook“The right to video record is essential as a tool of accountability. Video allows journalists, activists, and spectators to capture a moment beyond what is said — it can record how someone speaks, or how someone reacts to speech.”
“The right to video record is essential as a tool of accountability. Video allows journalists, activists, and spectators to capture a moment beyond what is said — it can record how someone speaks, or how someone reacts to speech.”
We need to keep breaking the glass ceiling of the ivory tower
Maria Luisa Vieira Parada“At Princeton, that means ensuring that there is upward career growth available for women. Women make up only 33 percent of tenured and tenure-track faculty, the people who could be potentially in line for higher administrative leadership at the University.”
“At Princeton, that means ensuring that there is upward career growth available for women. Women make up only 33 percent of tenured and tenure-track faculty, the people who could be potentially in line for higher administrative leadership at the University.”
Reactions: Guests respond to Eisgruber and Calhoun’s statements on protesting
Zeke DouglasRosenthal, Edward Yingling, and Wyatt BrowneGuests weigh in with their thoughts on free speech, institutional neutrality, and the role of the ‘Prince’ with respect to the University's statements on encampments.
Guests weigh in with their thoughts on free speech, institutional neutrality, and the role of the ‘Prince’ with respect to the University's statements on encampments.
