Spring is upon us and I'm finally happy. Happy because it's opening day and baseball is back. Happy because I don't have to watch Patrick Ewing travel anymore. Happy because I don't have to watch Marty McSorley take batting practice with anyone else's head. Happy because the 2000 season is finally here. Happy because the Cubs are 1-0 and have another chance to win it all. Happy because I can once again watch the greatest game on the face of the earth.
In honor of the new season and the Cubbies opening day performance, here is my team-by-team breakdown for the 2000 season (in order of predicted finish):
NL East:
(1). BRAVES — Rocker is a nut job, but Atlanta still has the best staff in baseball.
(2). METS — New York traded its youth in order to win now. Bobby V. should watch out for flying batteries come September.
(3). PHILLIES — Philadelphia has the talent, but they're in the wrong division.
(4). MARLINS — The floundering fish could use Marino in their starting rotation.
(5). EXPOS — Parlez vous last place?
NL Central:
(1). ASTROS — Three-time division champs should make it four in a row unless they trip over Bagwell's facial hair.
(2). REDS — Hey, they've got Griffey. Hey, they still have no pitching.
(3). CUBS — Kerry Wood, Sammy and Don Baylor will make it an exciting summer in Wrigley.
(4). CARDS — St. Louis has Big Mac and a solid staff. Too bad the annual Busch Stadium plague will strike again, injuring half their players.
(5). PIRATES — Kendall's back, but they're a few years away. Don't we say that about the Bucs every year?
(6). BREWERS — They still have a pro team in Milwaukee?
NL West:
(1). D'BACKS — With the Big Unit and a swimming pool, you can throw some great barbecues and win a division.
(2). GIANTS — Bonds will litter the bay with bombs, but so will opposing teams.
(3). DODGERS — L.A. spends more on 2 players than Third-World countries spend on health care. Bottom line, L.A. is still mediocre.
(4). PADRES — I'm sorry Tony.
(5). ROCKIES — Another year of whiffle ball at Coors. Too bad Colorado looks like they really have plastic bats.
AL East:
(1). YANKEES — The Yankees just reload between seasons. Their fans reload between innings.
(2). RED SOX — How far can a team go with only two good players? I guess we'll see.
(3). ORIOLES — Ripken will reach 3,000 career hits. Joey Belle will receive a $3,000 fine.
(4). BLUE JAYS — Mondesi gets a fresh start, but still has the same attitude problem.
(5). D'RAYS — Bad team, bad stadium, bad season.
AL Central:
(1). INDIANS — With Cleveland's lineup, shouldn't they have won a world title by now?
(2). TIGERS — Juan Gone hits bombs = Tigers have good year in new park.
(3). ROYALS — K.C. has the best young outfield in the game. Too bad they can't pitch and play infield also.
(4). WHITE SOX — Chicago's best player is Magglio Ordonez. Enough said.
(5). TWINS — Take the garbage bag from right field and throw the team in it.
AL West:
(1). A's — Oakland continues to overachieve in front of zero fans.
(2). MARINERS — No Griffey. No Problem. A-Rod and Edgar to the rescue.
(3). RANGERS — The only race anyone from Texas will win is the presidential race.
(4). ANGELS — Too bad Disney spends more money on running Pirates of the Caribbean than it does on the Angels.
Bottom Line (In the World Series):
Indians over Braves, 4-2.
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