The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Like generations of Princeton students before him since the year 1926, Petey Ell ’22, declared via Instagram caption “I wrote a book!” after throwing together a measly 30-page essay over the last three days.
A closer investigation from The Daily PrintsAnything reveals that the essay was in fact only 19 pages in length before Ell added in a 1.5 inch left margin and seven page-long figures.
“This really is my magnum opus. It’s like, I birthed a child! Nine months of dedication and hard labor. Years of work, my entire Princeton career all culminating in this moment,” exclaimed Ell.
The Daily PrintsAnything spoke with Ell’s friends and family and found out that Ell actually switched departments in October of junior year and didn’t figure out a thesis topic until mid February.
Ell’s acknowledgements included a shout out to the Red Bulls and $2 Wawa iced coffees which powered him through the last 25 hours of a “sleepless sprint” to the deadline, as well as a list of friends, half of whom Ell confessed he would probably never speak to again after three months.
Hannah To ’22 is a senior in the economics department who just finished writing a book, and is looking to fill her time by writing other silly little things.
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Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
