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Does your five-year plan include finance or consulting? After a number of surveys, follow-up surveys and focus groups, the University has come to the conclusion that there are indeed students whose answer to this question is “No.” In response, the University offered “Beyond Wall Street” and related programming to provide students with exposure to “alternative” career paths. While these programs have been small steps for man and giant leaps for Princeton-kind, some questions still remain: “But what if my career plans also don’t include changing the world via a nonprofit?” “What if they don’t even include graduate school?” If these anonymous questions submitted via feedback survey to Career Services are your own, don’t worry — you have been heard. Despite your questionable choices in regard to your future, there are still jobs out there. The following are a preview of Career Services’ new alternative job database, which will go live later this spring.

Coffee Shop Seat Filler

Description:

Have you ever passed a cool new coffee shop that just opened and marveled at the crowd of hipsters and locals filling the store? Have you ever ventured inside said coffee shop to sample the brew, despite the lack of seating, and observed the tablet-toting patrons as you waited in line? Did you think, "These people must be entrepreneurs, coders developing a new app or people with over 1,000 followers on Twitter"? If your answer is yes, then you’ve seen how effective our company can be. As independent contractors, we provide coffee shop seat fillers to complete a specific café vibe. You’ve heard of seat fillers at the Oscars; this is just like that but without celebrities and not televised.

Responsibilities:

  • Remain at designated coffee shop from open to close (flex hours include the hour following opening and the hour preceding closing).
  • Appear engaged and at work for 75 percent of the day.The other 25 percent is “collaborative time,” in which fillers are expected to make a networking connection with a fellow filler or patron.
  • Have a working knowledge of artisanal coffee and related beverages.
Skills, Qualifications and Knowledge:
  • Applicants should own at least two pairs of skinny jeans, a flannel shirt, a scarf and thick-rimmed glasses.
  • Applicants should possess an intriguing but aloof air.
  • Ideally, applicants will have majored in the humanities (this makes assimilation and integration the most seamless).
Location:
  • Multi-site employment available in Portland.
Salary and Benefits:
  • A small coffee or price-equivalent beverage every hour.
  • Opportunities to network with like-minded directionless individuals.
  • Leftover pastries and baked goods at the end of the day.
Ikea Furniture Assemblage Directions Writer

Description:

Are you a self-starter with a desire to impact the lives of individuals around the world? Ikea is the world’s largest furniture retailer, with 351 stores in 46 countries. That’s a lot of Fjalkinges, Ektorps and Magnarps! While we rely heavily on our Kottbullar meatballs to keep people coming back to our stores, the true linchpin of Ikea’s continued success lies in the furniture assemblage directions. We pride ourselves on empowering individuals to take initiative in their own homes and assemble their own kitchen cabinets, armoires and entertainment centers. That being said, we also see significant value in struggling through the process of constructing furniture, as it builds character and makes the accomplishment of a finished product more substantial. We expect our directions, both graphically and textually, to reflect those company values.

Responsibilities

  • Assembling product to figure out how exactly it can be put together.
  • Disassembling the product in order to pack cost-effectively.
  • Produce vague but numbered instructions and graphics concerning assemblage.
Skills, Qualifications and Knowledge:
  • A love of puzzles.
  • Background in doodling and illustrating stick figures.
  • A working knowledge of Swedish and Dutch not required but a plus.
  • Experience with Microsoft Paint also a plus.
Location:
  • Leiden, Netherlands
Salary and Benefits:
  • Housing provided on the showroom level of the store. First-year hires will be housed in the “Living in 76 sq. ft.” display and have the opportunity to move into larger square footage based on performance (up to “Living in 631 sq. ft.” display). *Please limit personal items accordingly.
  • 2 meals a day at the Ikea Restaurant and/or Ikea Bistro.
  • 2 hrs. of complimentary childcare daily available at Smaland, Ikea’s child care center.
  • Yearly salary of 100,000 Swedish Krona. (11,891.74 USD)
“IvyHarmony” Software Engineer

Description:

Are you preoccupied with enforcing the very real socioeconomic boundaries that keep the state-school educated from socializing with the private elite? Do you only date within your income bracket? Can you code in Python? We don’t care, as long as you attended an Ivy League school.“IvyHarmony” is the preeminent dating app for alumni from Ivy League institutions and Stanford. (MIT alumni on application basis). “IvyHarmony” connects students from all Ivy League institutions, even Brown, and sets them up with the perfect power-couple dynamics for rising members of the meritocratic elite.

Responsibilities:

  • Excluding the vast majority of datable young people.
  • Matching couples by average price of J. Crew sweaters in wardrobe.
  • Smiling knowingly at your coworker whose education is comparable with your own.
Skills, Qualifications and Knowledge:
  • Candidates should be judgmental;
  • Like to have their voice heard without interruption;
  • Have exciting stories about their multiple summers abroad in the quaint nation of Liechtenstein.
  • Programming experience a plus, not required.
Location:
  • Multiple offices in Northern California.
Salary and Benefits
  • Salary: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
  • Season tickets to the Ivy League Polo Championships.
  • The opportunity to work, live and love with people exactly like you.

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