The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In the past month, the University introduced a new fleet of 17 electric TigerTransit buses as ridership has increased in the face of recent campus-wide ban on Personal Electric Vehicles (PEVs).
A Daily PrintsAnything investigation has found that these new buses are entirely powered by rats native to the Princeton area. The Diesel Fleet section of the TigerTransit website writes, “Sustainable rat-powered energy is how we plan to do our part to end the climate crisis.”
“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University.
According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine.” The job description reads, “We are seeking warm bodies to serve as full-time electric engines. Applicants should have the ability to create substantial friction by rubbing their body against others. Little to no predisposition to vertigo is a plus.”
A number of rats have expressed confusion and anguish at their job responsibilities. “You do understand that the only reason you have this technology is because they tricked a bunch of highly-trained electrical engineers to get inside a bus engine, right?” asked Harrison Nightingale, Ph.D., a prominent rat within the union. “You call this the American dream?! This is not why my grandparents emigrated to America in the galleys of a white-people ship.”
“While I’m grateful to finally get off unemployment, these conditions are pretty shocking,” said Larry Siu, a veteran rat on campus, as he took a long drag from a miniature Virginia Slim. “We’re being thrown around in there like a Wawa hoagie in a washing machine."
According to Dr. Nightingale, the union plans to go on strike for better conditions and benefits, such as dental insurance and weekly cremations for all those perishing on the job.
Unfortunately, this strike will not be implemented in the foreseeable future, for an unknown union member has reportedly spent the entirety of the strike fund on pay-per-view chinchilla porn.
“You have no idea how good you have it,” said Claudio Mueringa, a disturbingly disfigured mouse, as he quickly scampered out of the basement of the Princeton Neuroscience Institute. “Please tell my family I love them,” he yelled as an indignant graduate student dragged his near-lifeless body by the tail back into the building.
Sophia Varughese ’26 is an associate humor editor. She’d take ‘over’ on “over/under 3 rats Sophia’s made out with”. She can be reached at sv1456@princeton.edu.
Read More
Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability
Sam McCombNewly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.
‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
