The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As we round the corner past Thanksgiving and forge boldly into December, Princeton’s residential colleges honor the festive attitude of the holiday season. Across the University, through gingerbread house decorating competitions and holiday-themed arts group performances, the holidays encourage student creativity. The season also inspires student innovation as they struggle with their dormitories’ non-adjustable heating systems. Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Well here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season.
1. Light some candles.
And by some, we mean a lot. What better way to light up your dorm than by risking the lives of you, your roommates, and your entire dormitory hall, and investing in 100-plus Unscented White Tealight Candles™ available on Amazon in bulk for “4 Hours of Smokeless, Dripless, Long Lasting Burning Paraffin”?
These tiny heat-generating devices are priced at just $20.99 and are perfect “for Home, Shabbat, Weddings & Emergencies.” They’re also great for introducing excitement into your dorm life by creating drama between yourself, the Princeton Fire Department, and University Fire Safety Inspectors.
2. Cuddle with the quad.
Foster a deeper connection with the people you share your space with by getting even more up close and personal with your roommates than you usually do living in intense proximity. Spend chilly nights snuggled up in (or, more accurately, sardined into) a single twin-XL bed to enjoy the benefits of compounded body heat. With the average human’s body temperature resting at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, cuddling is a great way to not freeze overnight on those evenings when Facilities has ghosted your third work order request.
Better yet, get the flu before you cuddle to raise your body temperature even higher.
3. Open all your windows.
And take off all your clothes. This should really cool things down, especially if you’re on the first floor and your window faces a walkway.
4. Plug in the hair dryer.
Further spite Fire Safety Inspectors on campus — along with everyone on your floor — by purchasing as many extension cords and hair dryers as your budget allows. Plug those bad boys in and turn them all the way up for a blast of heat, hotter than your precept crush.
5. Make Dress-up Fun.
Challenge your roommates in a dress-up duel that turns your issues into a fun chance to mobilize creativity. Incorporate spirit days or, more realistically, spirit hours as the dormitory heating systems fluctuate from “tropical vacation” to “traverse the arctic” hours.
Make a game out of suffering and maybe you’ll start to enjoy it. Or continue to enjoy it. We at The Daily PrintsAnything won’t judge. Anyways.
Mya Koffie is a first-year Humor writer who will be cuddling with her roommates all winter long (as per option two’s suggestion) but only to keep warm. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.