The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
“‘Saltburn’ is a darkly luscious portrait of obsession and visceral wanting,” says Entertainment Weekly about this year’s newest psychosexual thriller. With “Saltburn” set to release to the public on Nov. 22, it’s the ideal movie to enjoy as you and your loved ones celebrate all you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving.
The R-rated drama depicts the development of an obsessive male-on-male friendship over a steamy, rave-filled summer. “‘Saltburn’ is a sexual revolution that’s suitable for the whole family,” said the Coca Cola FreestyleⓇ section of the AMC website. “So, this Thanksgiving, feast on some turkey, then feast your eyes on Barry Keoghan’s surprisingly adequate exposed penis.”
We spoke to some students about their opinions on the movie and its timely release date.
“Most of my extended family is coming for the premier. We’ve already booked out ‘Pleasure Emporium,’ our local movie theater,” said Hugh O’Brien ’27. “Both of my grandmas’ favorite genre of movie is, after all, neuro-sensual nail-biter, so I know they’ll be into it.”
Xavier Alexandrius ’24, who requested we mention their major in French and Italian and certificates in both Jazz and Humanistic Studies, shared their thoughts on the movie after viewing the advanced screening at the Garden Theater. “This cinematographic realization is a serendipitous blend of all the finest aesthetic idiosyncrasies of ‘Euphoria’ and ‘Gone Girl.’ It’s a love-child with magnificent genes that controversially comments on the depths of the human psyche.”
“My family doesn’t get along that well, but after seeing ‘Saltburn,’ I think that this movie has real potential to help us forge deeper bonds this holiday,” said Maybelline Cronk ’25. “I’m really hopeful for what this film could mean for us.”
Mya Koffie is a first-year contributing Humor writer. They will not be taking either of their grandmas to see ‘Saltburn’ on Thanksgiving or anytime else. They can be reached at email@example.com.
Sophia Varughese is an associate humor editor who will be writing borderline illegal ‘Saltburn’ fanfics all Thanksgiving break. She doesn’t care what you think. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.