The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Oct. 23, University leadership distributed a memo with guidelines on appropriate Halloween costumes, informed by mishaps from years past.
“Ideally, everyone could wear whatever they want,” said University spokesperson Andrea Brown. “However, many seem to treat Halloween like a tramp convention, ruining it for everyone.”
A close reading of the memo suggests that it is actually geared more toward professors than the students.
The memo singled out male professors planning to dress up as Borat, “for the sole purpose of coming to lecture wearing a speedo.” This year, these costumes may only be worn while administering a seminar-style class in which the professor’s bottom half remains under the table.
“We’re concerned about the jiggle,” said Brown. “Some students enjoy it, but others find it overwhelming.”
Halloween presents a heightened challenge for the Title IX office, which has already been overworked operating a 24/7 watch center that monitors professors’ social media profiles, dating apps, and early-morning Canvas posts, all as part of a court settlement.
Some members of the campus community have expressed disdain for the new rules, explaining that they infringe on their right to dress as they so choose.
“So now I can’t wear my full-body Catwoman costume after spending the last four months getting in shape for it?” said Dr. Daniel Gonzalez, a professor in the ecology and evolutionary biology department. “It’s not my fault Professor Luong didn’t check if her students had a latex allergy before dressing as a used condom last year.”
Many students were more supportive of the new rules. “Last year, I bombed my econ final after not understanding the regression model, which our professor taught in a ‘slutty Bernie Madoff’ costume,” said David Morrison ’25. “I’m hoping to not see any semi-flaccid penises popping out of costumes this year.”
“Last year, I found my religion professor’s sexy Jesus costume pretty offensive, and I’m not even Christian,” said Kelly Skinner ’24. “He practically forced us to shotgun cans of Fruit Punch Four Loko that had ‘the blood of Christ’ scrawled on them.”
Sophia Varughese is an associate Humor editor who rather enjoyed her Physics professor's “naked Albert Einstein” costume last year. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.