The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The University is preparing to commence the annual campus-wide Princeton Purge. Inspired by the hit 2013 media franchise “The Purge,” the tradition functions as a tool to address student stress. Morality will be suspended and students will be given permission to commit any action they like, whether it be partying on the Blair rooftop or vandalizing the Oval with Points statue.
Common to each year’s purge is the formation of multiple student factions. In previous years, the Lobster Club improv group performed outside of Nassau Hall using real swords and molotov cocktails as props, which led to some students being rushed to the hospital after delivering an overly passionate adaptation of Hamlet’s ending. A climate activist group attempted a coup on the student government last year in hopes of replacing toilet paper with more natural methods such as cactus fiber and bull testicle casings.
Some students anonymously shared words on their anticipation for this year’s purge.
“Me and the boys are trying to figure out how we’re gonna claim the blowjob statue for our dorm,” said one student referring to the Abraham and Isaac statue outside Firestone Library. “I don’t know, carpe diem.”
“Last purge I stole some scooters dressed as John Wick and made a killing by reselling them. I’m planning to do the same this year with zero remorse,” reported a student who requested to be identified by the name Winona Rider. “I’m doing everybody a service.”
While the purge may be popular among the student body, many administrators have expressed disdain in regard to its destructive nature. There were whispers of cancellation of this year’s event due to potential damage to the University’s current construction efforts.
“I can deal with the shelves of the U-Store being wiped clean, or a scooter lodged on the top floor of Firestone,” said a faculty member on the Committee on Discipline. “But the most egregious sin is that we are allowing students to break the Honor Code. The sanctity of academic integrity is desecrated all for a Halloween event! It’s barbaric and definitely not in the nation’s service and the service of humanity.”
Though a notably controversial tradition, this year’s Princeton Purge appears to be scheduled as normal with the school encouraging students to “prepare accordingly” and “hide their personal belongings.”
“I’m literally only looking forward to using ChatGPT,” said one student requesting to be referred to by the pseudonym Fried Piper. “This paper would not have been written otherwise.”
Kareish Thony is a first-year, prospective computer science major. Last Princeton Purge he snuck into the admissions office and wrote his name underneath “Accepted Applicants.”