The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Sunday, Sept. 3, the Undergraduate Student Government (USG) sent an email to the student body announcing the performance lineup for Lawnparties. This email included a photo of two generic-looking white millennials advertised as the event’s headliners. Although campus initially rejoiced at the news that The Chainsmokers would be headlining the event, recent investigative efforts by The Daily PrintsAnything have found that these two men are in fact Chainsmokers impersonators, not The Chainsmokers themselves.
According to multiple online sources, these two men have been traveling the country pretending to be The Chainsmokers, producing nearly identical-sounding music, as well as acting in the same douche-bag manner integral to The Chainsmokers’ image.
“Are you sure they’re not the real Chainsmokers? But they have the same botched jawlines and stupid hair,” Christine Singh ’27 said. “Is that just what all white guy musicians look like?”
“We wanted to get a big name this year after last fall’s Hippo-something debacle, but we found frugality to be important,” USG member Douglas Wilson ’25 said. “Why pay sticker when you can get the same exact thing for a quarter of the price?”
When asked what she thought about the headliners, Greta Martinez ’26 said, “Remember when The Chainsmokers said in a Billboard interview that their penises measure 17.34 inches when put together? Do you think their, like, penises had to, like, … touch to figure that out?”
These impersonators seem to have been very punctilious with their disguises, with one of them even changing their name to Andrew to match that of Andrew Taggart, who is believed to be 12 of the 17.34 inches that comprise The Chainsmokers duo. Although the true identities of this year’s headliners remain unknown, students across campus continue to appear very excited for their day of getting violently wasted at breakfast, subsisting solely on Taco Bell, and wearing the same TJ Maxx sundress as everyone else.
Sophia Varughese is an associate Humor editor and a member of the class of 2026. She f***ing hates the Chainsmokers.
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