The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
After a disappointing internship application season, Princeton student Noe Jobs ’24 has decided to spend their summer conducting research on the art of applying to internships.
“It’s all about getting that perfect summer internship,” Jobs said. They will spend most of the summer researching the latest resume templates and experimenting with different cover letter formats. “I’m really excited to see how many extra buzzwords I can fit on my resume for this fall,” he continued.
Woz Niak ’24, Jobs’s roommate, said, “They’ve already applied to over 200 internships in various industries, including finance, consulting, tech, and even the local ice cream parlor. We’re starting to get worried.”
“I'm just trying to keep up with my friends who get internships through their family connections,” Jobs said. “I know some people might think it's a waste of time, but I've got a growth mindset, and I’m not going to stop until I get that offer.”
Niak told The Daily PrintsAnything that Jobs has already received some rejection letters for next summer, but they remain undeterred in their mission to land a summer internship.
In the meantime, Jobs plans to use this summer to work on their thesis, which they plan to title “Internship Rat Race: The Likelihood of Landing an Internship When Offering to Work for Free.”
Windsor Nguyễn ’25 is a COS B.S.E. concentrator and a Humor contributor. That’s it. That’s the whole byline.
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‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop
Sawyer DilksUpon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions
Mya KoffieThe Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?
Sawyer DilksAs I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.
