The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
A group of campus critters is seeking to form the first-ever cockroach labor union at the University to preserve their living conditions. In a letter to President Christopher Eisgruber ’83, organizers of “PawPests United” informed administrators in Nassau Hall that they have filed for a union election.
This comes on the heels of the destruction of First College, former home to generations of Princeton cockroaches. Union organizers hope to secure new and improved living arrangements in Butler College for displaced cockroaches as soon as possible; however, fears loom around possible retaliation from University officials.
Only five minutes after the delivery of PawPests United’s letter, President Eisgruber responded: “The collective hope of the working proletariat shall be crushed beneath my very boot. I vow to not rest until every cockroach on this campus is stomped out of the misery that is their existence.” Some have suggested that this statement qualifies as unlawful union busting.
Roachelle, who asked to be identified by only her first name out of fear of retaliation, is a long-time insect resident of Dodge-Osborn Hall and organizer with PawPests United. She says that while the prospect of being personally obliterated by President Eisgruber is troubling, she remains committed to the group’s cause.
“What we’re seeing right now is the culmination of decades of fighting for hospitable conditions in the oldest, most decrepit dorms on this campus. We demand that the University stop building new, bug-proof residence halls,” Roachelle said.
Princeton cockroaches are set to vote on whether to unionize later this month. Students annoyed by construction noise and detours are reportedly backing the campaign.
Walker Penfield is a sophomore from Mendon, Mass. who covers Princeton University critter relations. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.