The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As several major construction projects spring up around campus — such as Hobson College, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, and an expansion of Dillon Gymnasium — Princeton students are familiarizing themselves with new commutes and detours.
Some have spoken out about how these new routes have disrupted their routine paths and woken them up early in the morning with raucous construction. Students have also noted what feels like a lack of communication from University administrators, who reportedly throw darts at a campus map each morning to decide which walkway will be torn up next.
In response to these concerns, the University has developed the “Princeton Builds” (PB) initiative to “put our values of greenwashing and inaccessibility into action with cute posters and taglines,” according to PB spokesperson Sy Dwok. The initiative’s banners have been placed across several construction sites, and signage has been “sensibly strewn” all over Frist Campus Center.
In the next step of their campaign, PB is attempting to “beautify and reimagine” students’ commutes through “engaging” obstacle courses along main campus walkways. Dwok told The Daily PrintsAnything that PB had “heard students were frustrated with the new detours across campus, and wanted to do something fun and fresh to liven things up.”
“I used to be falling asleep during my 8:30 a.m. lecture in Jadwin Hall,” said Earl Lee Byrd ’25, “but now that I have to trek over sustainably-sourced hot coals on Goheen Walk, I’m wide awake!”
Forbes College resident Ann Nex ’26 said she feels “thoroughly entertained” by the series of swinging blades that she must carefully hop through on her way past the Lewis Arts Complex.
PB announced that a gate to Prospect Street will be built to exclusively allow passage to students who successfully solve a riddle posed by a statue of Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito ’72.
As students engage with these new additions to campus, Princeton Builds says it is “excited to make students’ journeys across campus as enjoyable as possible.”
At the time of publication, University Health Services reports that just 11 students have been injured along the newly renovated walkways.
Walker Penfield is a sophomore from Mendon, Mass., who has absolutely no ill-will towards campus construction (maybe he’s just afraid of change). He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.