The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As many students settle into the third week of school by hanging up LED strip lights and breaking off short-lived Outdoor Action relationships, some students in Yeh College and New College West (NCW) face uncertainty in their living arrangements.
Despite Yeh and NCW’s modernist architecture and sleek new dining hall, students in the new colleges were surprised to find many of their living spaces uninhabitable on arrival.
“When I got to my room, it was just an empty concrete cell. Sure, there was an iPad fixed to the wall, but how am I supposed to sleep in there?” said Lee Geighsee ’25, who lives in Broh Kann Hall. Geighsee told The Daily PrintsAnything that they “long for the good old days with cockroaches and no A/C” in First College.
Among the impacted, a small co-op of students has taken up camp around Yeh’s large pink couch sculpture. Serving as a communal dining table, bed, and occasional restroom, the stone couch has provided much-needed respite for students struggling to acclimate to “the hellscape of over-engineered 21st-century living,” according to Geighsee.
When confronted with reports that students were squatting on college art pieces, Housing and Real Estate Services responded, “Meh.”
While it is unclear what the future holds for students whose overly rushed dorm rooms have already begun to disintegrate, the head of Yeh College told the ‘Prints,’ “You have got to try the dumplings.”
Walker Penfield is a sophomore from Mendon, Massachusetts, studying Economics and Math. He serves as a Senator in USG and hopes to one day get through the Yeh/NCW dining hall lunch line. While he waits, he can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.