The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In a recent statement, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced a second Clash of Colleges this year, “to provide yet another opportunity for the Great Class of 2026 to work together and display their college pride.”
However, a whistleblower leaked that this event was planned as a result of Eisgruber losing a bet to Columbia University Dean of Admissions Jessica Marinaccio. According to the source, all members of the losing college will be transferred to Columbia within a month of the event, supposedly before midterms.
“Ok, fine. I bet Jessica that I could fit my fist inside my mouth,” Eisgruber told The Daily PrintsAnything. “She said that if I couldn’t, I owed them 200 members of our first-year class. Since we accepted way too many first-years, and their rankings really need help, and I was sure that I could get my fist in my mouth, I took the bet. Sadly, I couldn’t do it.”
Unlike the traditional Clash of Colleges, this event will consist solely of aptitude tests measuring students’ ability in the fields of math, physics, chemistry, and computer science.
A University spokesperson said, “We care about all of our students, across all disciplines. More about the ones who are good at STEM, though.”
This announcement has caused outrage across the Princeton campus as first-years fear for their spots at this institution.
“We’re going to miss the members of the Great Class of 2026 who will be leaving us, but it is what it is,” said Dean of the College Jill Dolan. “And we’re keeping all the math concentrators so they can do my taxes, so everything’s going to be okay.”
Sophia Varughese is a first-year student who is asking very kindly not to be transferred to Columbia. She may be reached at sv1456@princeton.edu.
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