The following content is purely satirical and completely fictional.
Taking inspiration from the Lewis Library walkways, Princeton construction crews have been advised to replace all campus concrete sidewalks with slip-and-slide-style pathways. This project follows the recently adopted Princeton construction maxim: “If it ain’t broke, fix it.”
After observing students enjoying the 45 degree downhill on Washington Road following the snowstorm last week, overseers have decided to move forward with this new comprehensive construction initiative.
“The mix of partially melted snow, loosely-packed earth, and moist mud will create the perfect recipe for an exhilarating tumble to class,” said one construction manager in an interview with The Daily PrintsAnything.
Toplin Ober ’23 anxiously anticipated the completion of this new project.
“I’ve already invested in a wheel-less skateboard for my daily commute to the E-Quad,” he said. “As a Rocky resident, this will cut down on my total walk time by nearly 30 minutes! Now it’ll only take 10.”
Ben Sliding ’22, who drives an electric scooter, initiated a petition against the action, claiming that the project will make it harder for him to cut off pedestrians with his $400 machine.
University President Christopher L. Eisgruber ’83 has identified this project in his annual letter to the community as “imperative and central to the spirit of the Princeton community going forward.”
When asked about the issue of accessibility, University project managers confessed that “we didn’t really think about that.”
Construction of this project is anticipated to finish sometime in late 2025.
Emma Moriarty is a senior concentrating in the School of Public and International Affairs and a staff writer in the satire section. David Cabrera is a first-year contributing writer for the satire section who intends to concentrate in economics.
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