The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Last Friday, Princeton University Admissions announced that during the regular decision admissions cycle, they would be “stopping the release of any data and information at all during the admissions process — including students’ actual admissions results.”
During the early admissions process, the Office of Admissions announced that they would stop reporting admissions data in an effort to reduce applicants’ anxieties.
“We are committed to reducing admissions-related anxiety for students from all backgrounds, and the best way to do so is not to give students any information on admissions at all,” wrote the Dean of Admissions in a press release.
“In the spirit of continuing to be student-centered in our admissions, we have decided to stop releasing any information at all during our regular decision cycle. We believe that knowing whether or not a student gets into the university raises anxiety levels of prospective students and families, and also discourages future applicants,” the statement continued.
Students expressed overwhelming relief at not having to deal with their admissions results.
“This is a bit confusing, but I ultimately agree with the University’s decision. I think not knowing whether I got into Princeton would have reduced my anxiety about getting into Princeton,” said Addison Mission ’23.
“I appreciate Princeton’s efforts to accommodate students from all backgrounds. Now I, like all other applicants, will have no idea about whether or not I have been admitted,” said current applicant Noah Dea.
All future admissions letters will simply state, “Congratulations! On behalf of Princeton University, I am delighted to acknowledge your application.”
Hannah To is a senior in the economics department and a staff writer in the Satire section. She wishes Princeton never told her whether she was admitted or not. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.