The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
To help prevent the spread of COVID-19 for those who have to isolate within their dorms, students are now required to use personal, human-sized hamster balls when in common spaces.
Following several students’ concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a COVID-safe solution for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces.
An anonymous COVID-positive student explains, “I’m actually quite excited about the Zorbs! COVID or not, my roommate won’t leave me alone, so I’ll finally be able to get some space.”
The balls are equipped with a small latch which allows water to enter while in use during a shower or brushing teeth. However, as the University declined to purchase the upgraded Zorbs with built in latrines, non-positive roommates are required to exit their rooms while positive students use the restroom.
One disgruntled student shared, “I never realized how many times a day my roommate takes a dump. Like, seriously.”
The Isolation Team assures that the Zorbs are research-backed and safe for all users: “The balls were piloted with faculty and staff and have been a resounding success. The lack of transmission despite rampant positivity rates in this group has allowed us to conclude that, when sharing common areas, our University-sponsored Zorbs are highly effective.”
Hamster balls will be available during Frist’s normal operating hours. Balls can be collected by non-positive peers and hoisted up through the windows of positive students.
Emma Moriarty is a senior in SPIA and a staff writer for the Satire section. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.