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LinkedIn junior ‘grateful and humbled’ to announce they will be making ridiculous sums of money next summer

<h5>Morgan Pawson ’23 &nbsp;</h5>
<h6>Pxhere / <a href="https://pxhere.com/en/photo/1200831" target="_self">CC0 1.0&nbsp;</a></h6>
Morgan Pawson ’23  
Pxhere / CC0 1.0 

The following article is purely satirical and entirely fictional. 

Morgan Pawson | Princeton Great Class of 2023 | USG Social Impact Chair | Entrepreneur and Activist is honored to announce their acceptance of an internship with the Big Corporation Guys (BCG) for this upcoming summer. In Pawson’s words, “I am thrilled and honored to announce that this summer, unlike many of you chumps, I will be making tons of money.” 

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“It’s not every day I post on LinkedIn,” Pawson continued. “But today is a day unlike any other in history, today is the day that I have officially signed away my summer days and nights to the Big Corporation Guys. When people ask me, ‘Morgan, why do you love the Big Corporation Guys so much?’ I have one response: I love money. From the free perks like the snack bar inside of the dungeon where employees are forced to sleep overnight to the complimentary Spirit Cycle memberships, my internship fulfills every one of my capitalistic desires.”

On top of those perks, Pawson explained that each intern is paid a generous stipend of more than what most Americans make a year.

“Plus the company pays for my apartment when I’m allowed to go home!” they added.

Pawson concluded their post by referencing the University’s unofficial motto.

“Princeton’s maxim emphasizes the importance of serving humanity, and who am I but a human?” 

“Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life,” they continued. “I am grateful and humbled by all of those who have helped me reach this stage, especially to my older sister, the CEO of the company.” 

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Emma Moriarty is a senior in the School of Public and International Affairs from Arizona and a guest contributor. She can be reached at em50@princeton.edu.

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