The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Due to high demand following both Princetoween and the fifth wave of the campus plague, McCosh Health Center has announced a switch to club format and instituted a members-only entrance policy for the foreseeable future.
For the first half of the semester, McCosh admitted any student with a health concern. However, after surging appointment requests and a line out the door that overwhelmed McCosh’s front-desk staff, the club announced the change.
McCosh contracted with a local security company to restrict the hoards of unfortunate students who fail to secure a pass.
“My friend could barely stand up on Princetoween,” said a desperate Sexy Waluigi ’24, “so I thought that I could get us into McCosh if I played it right with the bouncers, but it just didn’t work.”
Her friend Sexy Bowser ’24 declined to comment for this article.
“I’m pretty sure my arm is broken,” said an angry Playboy Bunny ’22, who was denied entry on Saturday night and handed an Emergen-C packet and pregnancy test instead.
A coughing sophomore complained after his McCosh visit earlier this week.
“I was hoping to get a strep test or maybe some antibiotics, but they only directed me to an extra dose of the J&J COVID vaccine,” he said. “And it was expired.”
For those wishing to join McCosh, the club has announced that bicker starts in early January.
The process will consist of submitting symptom checks every 13 minutes and having daily one-on-one bicker chats with McCosh nurses, who will ask you about your medical history, hobbies, and professional ambitions.
“I think I made a good impression with the nurse at FluFest,” said an optimistic candidate. “They should be able to pull some strings for me, right?”
For now, the CVS on Nassau Street is still PUID.
Claire Middleton is a sophomore from Durham, N.C. and contributing writer for the Satire section. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Ben Kim is a first-year from Irvine, Calif., and contributing writer for the Satire section. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Milica Maricic is a first-year from Kenosha, Wis. and contributing writer for the Satire section. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.